The Joke Thread

[guardianoftheblind]

did you hear the one about the guy who has half-Italian and half-Polish?

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he made himself an offer he couldn't understand

[John Jr.]

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

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the holocaust

[guardianoftheblind]

what's a jewish dilemma?

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free ham

[guardianoftheblind]

what happens when a jew with an erection walks into a wall?

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he breaks his nose

[John Jr.]

Oprah walks onto a bus, but doesn't have the right amount of change for the fare. "Can you break a $100 dollar bill?" She asks the bus driver.
"No," he says, "and I'm sorry but you're going to have to go to the back of the bus."
"Excuse me?" she says with disdain. "I will do no such thing."

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"But that is where the coin machine is. You should be able to break your bill back there."

After that, Oprah was red faced with embarrassment

[guardianoftheblind]

did you hear about the polish car pool?

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they all meet at work

[John Jr.]

Q: What do you get when you cross a unicorn with a lesbian pirate?

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A: An awkward conversation about gay marriage legislation.

[John Jr.]

A man was on a date with a blind woman. After the date, the woman brought the man back up to her apartment. She left him in the living room while she went to the kitchen to pour a couple of drinks, and the man got nude during this time. When the woman came back into the room, her pet parrot announced "Raw. He's nude. Rawww!"

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The man was unaware that a parrot even was in the room!

[John Jr.]

A man was fishing in the ocean when he caught a magnificient blue tarpon fish. As he was about to cut and kill the fish, the fish spoke up. "Please don't kill me," the fish said, "if you put me back in the water, I'll grant you any wish you want."
"Whoa!" said the fisherman. He had never heard a fish talk before. "Where did you learn to talk?"
"Actually, its a long story, but if you want to put me back and get your wish, you've got to do it soon, I can't breathe outside of water."
"I don't know," the man considered, "I bet talking fish are quite delicious." By this point, the fish was suffocating immensely.
"Please..." the fish begged.
"Oh, alright fine. I, umm... I wish I had a million dollars." The man tossed the fish back into the water. After the fish caught his breath the fish broke into laughter. "What kind of idiot believes a fish can grant wishes?" the fish said as he swam away. The fisherman didn't really care, because he was already a billionaire, and he was just going to give the million dollars to charity, possibly even one for the ethical treatment of fish. Two days later the fish was eaten by a shark.

[John Jr.]

Q: Why do black people breathe through their noses?

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A: Because that is one of two ways humans can take in oxygen.

[guardianoftheblind]

i'm sorry everyone. i apologize

[Masochrism]

i believe there has been a request for thor to stop ruining this thread

[John Jr.]

Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to fill a soccer team?

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A: Any number. Ethiopians don't give a shit about the rules of soccer. They're just out to have a good time and kick the ball around to take their mind of being so hungry.

[John Jr.]

Q: Why should you never race a train to the end of the tracks?

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A: Because trains are really fucking fast, man.

[John Jr.]

i believe there has been a request for thor to stop ruining this thread

sorry you dont get jokes, man.

[guardianoftheblind]

so i went to the butcher the other day. i bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf without using a stool....

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....he didn't take the bet because the steaks were too high

[Bored, Esq.]

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

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the holocaust

I LOL'd at this one...fuck...

[John Jr.]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

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The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

[John Jr.]

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

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She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

[Wormholegenerator]

Lean your head back and simulate shaking salt into your mouth. You'll taste salt

[John Jr.]

Lean your head back and simulate shaking salt into your mouth. You'll taste salt

no lie: i just did this and then gave myself a facepalm.

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

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The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

[John Jr.]

What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig?

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A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

[John Jr.]

Q: What did the hobo get for Christmas?

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A: Nothing

So this guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."

[John Jr.]

"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"GESTAPO."

Q: Why couldn't Sally ride a bike?

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A: Because Sally had cerebral palsy.

[John Jr.]

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

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A: To go and seek counseling or at least some kind of legal advice because her significant other appears, on the surface at least, to be violent and dangerous.

Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.

As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"

The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."

Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."

The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.

Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."

The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.

After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.

He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"

"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.

"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.

So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:

"You found the genie too, right?"

"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.

"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I wished to have an orange for a head."