The Joke Thread

[John Jr.]

Q: Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
A: Because he was off-duty!

So a guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating." And the guy's like, "What, why?"

The doctor replies, "So I can examine you."

[pleasuretokill]

So this guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."

[John Jr.]

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

[the awesome Assassin]

Now we've reached an overkill...

Like usual with him...

[rape bear]

[John Jr.]

Now we've reached an overkill...

Like usual with him...

q: who's laughing at your jokes?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

a: nobody, as usual

[Necrometer]

Q: why did the john carver the 16th post on the message board?
A:

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

to get attention

[John Jr.]

Q: why do i compulsively follow john carver the 93rd around?
A:

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

to get attention

[smooth]

A man was fishing in the ocean when he caught a magnificient blue tarpon fish. As he was about to cut and kill the fish, the fish spoke up. "Please don't kill me," the fish said, "if you put me back in the water, I'll grant you any wish you want."
"Whoa!" said the fisherman. He had never heard a fish talk before. "Where did you learn to talk?"
"Actually, its a long story, but if you want to put me back and get your wish, you've got to do it soon, I can't breathe outside of water."
"I don't know," the man considered, "I bet talking fish are quite delicious." By this point, the fish was suffocating immensely.
"Please..." the fish begged.
"Oh, alright fine. I, umm... I wish I had a million dollars." The man tossed the fish back into the water. After the fish caught his breath the fish broke into laughter. "What kind of idiot believes a fish can grant wishes?" the fish said as he swam away. The fisherman didn't really care, because he was already a billionaire, and he was just going to give the million dollars to charity, possibly even one for the ethical treatment of fish. Two days later the fish was eaten by a shark.

I dig. Did you make this?

[neckbeard]

Why did the boy fall off the swing?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

Because he had no arms.

- Hey Frankie, aren't you gonna give me youur class ring?
- Oh I'm afraid I can't do that, Annette
- Why not?
- 'Cause I don't have any arms!
(AH!)

[smooth]

The day was ripe for a barbecue. A plate of marinated chicken chunks were ready for the grilling. The only thing missing was the fire itself. Nevertheless, Melanie Garrison and her husband, Anonymous, disagreed. The two debated the subject for an hour until reaching the conclusion that the only thing missing was the fire itself. After an equally long brainstorming session, the two theorized that the box of matches on the picnic table would lead to the much-needed fire.

Melanie Garrison picked up the box and shook it, hoping its rattle would summon the fire. Shaking his head, Anonymous swiped the box from between Melanie Garrison's teeth and retrieved the matches. After dropping them into the charcoal without striking them, Anonymous grew angry at the results. No fire. Having accepted this defeat, Melanie Garrison and Anonymous went out to the dock and had themselves a cigarette.

[John Jr.]

I dig. Did you make this?

no sir, just found it funny.

[smellmyfinger]

Why did john jr post so many bad jokes in this thread?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

Because he's attention starved dimwit with too much time on his hands

also:
http://reeelapse.com/viewtopic.php?f=1& ... unny+jokes

[Hell-haine]

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

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They keep falling through the holes in his hands

lol

[Whiffleball Ace]

Where do young cantaloupes go for the summer?

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John Cougar Mellencamp

[Scumfucker]

How do you make a little girl twice?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear

[John Jr.]

How do you make a little girl twice?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear

quoted for unintentional hilarity.

"mommy, where do twin girls come from?" "bloody dick stains on a teddy bear, honey."

[Reverend]

Last night my girlfriend asked me to have sex with her like in the movies . . .

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so i fucked her in the ass and came on her face.

I called rape advice hotline the other day . . .

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to my dismay, its for victims.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day, I was about to get upset when I thought . . .

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Its useless to argue with a 9 year old.

[Reverend]

abortion:

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It brings out the kid in you.

I locked my keys in my car next to an abortion clinic the other day . . .

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

They got mad at me for asking them if i could use a coat hanger.

[Double Anal]

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

A: To go and seek counseling or at least some kind of legal advice because her significant other appears, on the surface at least, to be violent and dangerous.

Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.

As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"

The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."

Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."

The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.

Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."

The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.

After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.

He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"

"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.

"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.

So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:

"You found the genie too, right?"

"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.

"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I wished to have an orange for a head."

cant stop loling at this

[abdominalpillaging]

why was jesus such a big hit with the ladies?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

because he was hung like this

[hard paranormal dong]

jesus christ thor! literally every single one of those was amazing! (the best being the genie/bar one)

[Reverend]

Why does Jesus avoid bars?

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he hates getting hammered.

[Reverend]

Whats the difference between madeleine mccann and pope john paul the 2nd?

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The pope died a virgin.

[Tony Twist]

Reverend is on a roll.