The Joke Thread

[Wolfey]

What do you call a midget psychic on the run?

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A small, medium at large

[John Jr.]

What do you call a midget psychic on the run?

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A small, medium at large

LOL!

[John Jr.]

Why did john jr post so many bad jokes in this thread?

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Because he's attention starved dimwit with too much time on his hands

also:
http://reeelapse.com/viewtopic.php?f=1& ... unny+jokes

first reply:

It's not really a big deal bro, just a matter of taste.

[Krieg]

Jean Harlow : Aren't you Margot Asquith?

Margot Asquith : Yes Dear, But the 't' is silent, as in Harlow.

[John Jr.]

el oh fuckin' el

[pleasuretokill]

What do you call a midget psychic on the run?

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A small, medium at large

^^^^^




Toyota's got a new marketing campain slogan: "Nothing's gonna stop us now!" It should be a hit everywhere...

[pleasuretokill]

post x2

[Whiffleball Ace]

What's the exact opposite of Christopher Reeve?

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Christopher Walken

What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys?

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coach

What does a Mexican get for Christmas?

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your bike

A man goes to the doctor's office to pick up his wife's test results.
Doctor: Mr. Jones I'm afraid there's some bad news.
Mr. Jones: Oh God, What is it?
Doctor: It appears that your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's.
Mr.Jones: Well, Which is it, Doc?
Doctor: We don't know, but there is a simple test to know for sure.
Mr. Jones: Ok, what is it?
Doctor: Put her in the car and drive west toward the farm country. Drive for about two hours.
Mr. Jones: Then what?
Doctor: Leave her there.
Mr. Jones: That it?
Doctor: Yes! However, if she finds her way home, don't fuck her.

[Thrashmaster Flash]

I missed this the first time around, but those John Jr. jokes are A+! Where are those coming from, and why are there so many people on the Reeelapse board that dislike humor?

[John Jr.]

google unjoke

[John Jr.]

this one is probably my favorite:

A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there. The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit. "Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last." "Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar?" She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years. "So is it also eight years since you had a drink?" She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious. "So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?" "Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming." Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone... so terribly alone.

[Mari_Mar]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands..

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

[John Jr.]

[John Jr.]

q: why is 6 afraid of 7?
a: because 7 is black.

[John Jr.]

a termite walks into a bar and asks "where's the bartender."

[T O))) M]

What did the deaf, dumb and blind child get for Chrimbus?

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CANCER

Whats red and bubbly and taps on glass?

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BABY IN A MICROWAVE

What sits on the kitchen counter and gets smaller and smaller?

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BABY COMBING ITS HAIR WITH A POTATO PEELER

[John Jr.]

got any hot-now "grosser than gross/grosser than that" jokes you want to throw on the fire?

[Necrophilic Mallard]

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

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only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

what do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection?

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quarter pounder w/ cheese

[Frickin' Slayer]

wut do u get wen u mix a scorpio, a taurus, and a libra?

a sign

[Repeater]

A white man goes to the doctor and tells him "Doc, I wanna be a black man."
The doctor says, "That's gonna be difficult, I'm going to have to darken your skin by 75%, reduce your intelligence by 50%, and double the length of your dick. Are you OK with this?"
And the man says "yes".

The man awakens from surgery and sees the doctor with a look of worry on his face.

The doctor says, "Well, there's been a mistake. I accidentally darkened your skin by 50%, reduced your intelligence by 75% and shortened your dick by one half. Are you OK with this?'

And the man says "Si, senor."

[Repeater]

A wealthy, single, old man goes to a bar one night. He sees this woman checking him out down the bar so he walks over.

He says "I'm sorry, but I can't help but notice that you've been checking me out all night."

She says, "Yeah babe. Do you like handjobs? I'll give you the best handjob you ever got for $5000."

And the guy goes, "Come on, I love handjobs but no handjob is worth that much!"

So the woman goes, "Honey, see all these rings?" Her hand is covered in diamond and ruby rings. "Yeah," he says.
"I bought these with the money I earned giving hand jobs." So the dude is like, "Damn, "you must be good."

So they go to the bathroom and she jerks him off. "Oh my god, that was the best handjob I've ever had!" The man exclaims. So she says, "You like blowjobs? I'll give you the best blowjob of your life for $10,000"

And the guy goes, "Come on, I love blowjobs but no blowjob is worth that much!" So she takes him out to the bar and points out the window; "See that car there?" A vintage, mint Rolls Royce is parked outside the bar. And the guy excitedly replies "Yeah!"

She says, "I bought that with the money I earned giving blowjobs."

So they go out into the car and she sucks him off. Afterward he's like "Oh my god! That was the best blowjob I've ever had in my life, but you know what I really want is your pussy."

So she points out the windshield of the car and says, "Honey, see that building down there?" There's a HUGE skyscraper at the end of the block. And the guy goes "YEAH!!!"

"If I had a pussy, I'd own it."

[altars of radness]

A young woman is buying groceries after a long day at work. She buys a Diet Coke, a magazine about cats and a small tub of ice cream. When she reaches the till, the man working there looks at her, looks at the items she's about to buy and then looks at her again.

"Excuse me, miss. You wouldn't happen to be single, would you?" he asks.

"Yes, I am," she replies. "How did you know?"

"Because you're fucking ugly."

[neckbeard]

trbet , type up the one about the dick measuring contest

[Jesus H Dump]

A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought u only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea"

[Wang Mandu]

What do they say about an Arab in a suit?

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They say, "Defendant, please stand up!"