The Joke Thread

[Jesus H Dump]

A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought u only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea"

[Wang Mandu]

What do they say about an Arab in a suit?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

They say, "Defendant, please stand up!"

[Hypnagogia]

What do they say about a(n) ____ in a suit?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

They say, "Defendant, please stand up!"

[Mr. Budd]

I don't get the orange for a head joke.

[John Jr.]

hint: it's not a pun.

[Mr. Budd]

apart from the absurdity of asking for a stupid thing - I just don't get it. He asked to get a little head? Call me stupid...

[John Jr.]

apart from the absurdity of asking for a stupid thing - I just don't get it.

did you get the island joke?

[Mr. Budd]

ther than it's the OPPOSITE of what should happen - dunno

[John Jr.]

ther than it's the OPPOSITE of what should happen - dunno

thats part of it. the other part is that there is a concept of "should happen" based upon the various forms and formulae of jokes (knock knock, travelling salesman/farmers daughter, etc) that you are expecting when you hear the setup. fucking with those expectations is the joke, not unlike how said joke forms fucked with expectations when they were fresh.

my fav farmers daugher joke:

3 travelling salesmen break down in rural alabama. after walking a few miles, they finally find a farmers house and ask to use his telephone to call the mechanic. "Nearest mechanics in Mobile, about 2 hours away. But if you'll wait until tommorrow, my brothers got a knack for turning a wrench, and he should be back into town later this evening. Why dont y'all stay for dinner and sleep in the guest room? he'll gitcha fixed up tommorrow mornin'." about this time the farmers beautiful daughter shows up and that seals the deal for the salesmen.

so this bitch has legs like a fucking octopus. all through dinner she's playing footsie and jamming her toes in dudes crotches, gettin' 'em all good and hot. after a big meal, they all retire. after a couple hours, the first salesman says "ok fellas, i'm gonna sneak in there and dip my dick in that strange. i mean for fucks sake, she was beggin' for it all night!". 20 minutes later, he comes back with a smile on his face. Salesman number two decides that he doesn't mind sloppy seconds, bids his farewell, and proceeds to go fuck the shit out of said wench, returning a half an hour later. Salesman 3's number is up, so he leaves to go get his. 5 minutes pass and the first two salesman hear a gunshot, followed by the girl sobbing, followed by the farmer showing up in there room with the double barrel along with a giant montherfucking good ole boy sporting a giant wrench like a club and bearing more than a passing resemblence to the farmer.

"boys, lurlene told me everything. we're going to tie you to the bed to think about what you've done, and here in a few hours you're going to help with the harvest."

so a couple sleepless hours pass for the salesmen. at the crack of down Farmer Shotgun and Brother Wrench wrestle the salesmen up, strip 'em naked, and take 'em out to the barn, where Salesman 3 is lying dead in a large hole in the dirt floor. "Ok Boys, heres some buckets and the wheel barrow. get out in those fields and pick 200 of your favorite fruit. do a good job, maybe i wont bury you in the barn like your friend." seeing no other option, they get to work.

after about 2 hours salesman #1 gets back with a bucket full of blueberries. "Alright sir, i'm done."

the farmer jams the shotgun in his nose. "Ok boy, now jam all of 'em up your ass."

after a moment of disbelief, the salesman starts jamming blueberries up his ass. about a quarter of the way through, he starts laughing uncontrollably, shooting the blueberries out of his ass on to the floor, with a copious amount of shit."

"Ok boy, you eat those blueberries and that shit, then jam the rest of the blueberries up your ass. Laugh again and it's a shotgun to your noggin'."

the salesman chokes down the shit covered berries, manages to keep from puking them up, then begins jamming the rest of the blueberries up his ass. about halfway trhough the remaineder, he starts laughing unbelievably hard, shoots the blueberries up his ass, and then the scent makes him puke up the shit-berries he'd eaten earlier.

cocking back the shotgun, the farmer asks "thats it for you son. but before you go, tell me whats so damn funny..."

the salesman replies "Bob's out there pickin' watermelons!"

[Mr. Budd]

Seriously? Like what's that white stuff in bird poop? ...bird poop?

That's the type of joke that makes people never want to laugh at you or listen to you ever speak again.

It's not some "I want head" pun that I can't resolve? AN ANTI JOKE!

[John Jr.]

unjoke is the term, actually. and yes, that's it. you're just mad because it went over/under your head is all.

[John Jr.]

That's the type of joke that makes people never want to laugh at you or listen to you ever speak again.

ahahahah, you are so fucking wrong on this one maybe you, but that's pretty much it.

[Mr. Budd]

unjoke is the term, actually. and yes, that's it. you're just mad because it went over/under your head is all.

I'm only mad because I wish to share in hilarious things and that just does nothing for me...oh well.

Try this one - Two guys walk into a bar and decide to go jog instead. I'm A CUT UP.

[BUNGVOX]

black guy walks into a bar.

bartender says 'get out'

[Thrashmaster Flash]

unjoke is the term, actually. and yes, that's it. you're just mad because it went over/under your head is all.

I'm only mad because I wish to share in hilarious things and that just does nothing for me...oh well.

Try this one - Two guys walk into a bar and decide to go jog instead. I'm A CUT UP.

Mr. Budd, who's that in your avatar? I assumed that you would appreciate these jokes.

[Mr. Budd]

I know...merdre.

[Wehttam]

ther than it's the OPPOSITE of what should happen - dunno

thats part of it. the other part is that there is a concept of "should happen" based upon the various forms and formulae of jokes (knock knock, travelling salesman/farmers daughter, etc) that you are expecting when you hear the setup. fucking with those expectations is the joke, not unlike how said joke forms fucked with expectations when they were fresh.

my fav farmers daugher joke:

3 travelling salesmen break down in rural alabama. after walking a few miles, they finally find a farmers house and ask to use his telephone to call the mechanic. "Nearest mechanics in Mobile, about 2 hours away. But if you'll wait until tommorrow, my brothers got a knack for turning a wrench, and he should be back into town later this evening. Why dont y'all stay for dinner and sleep in the guest room? he'll gitcha fixed up tommorrow mornin'." about this time the farmers beautiful daughter shows up and that seals the deal for the salesmen.

so this bitch has legs like a fucking octopus. all through dinner she's playing footsie and jamming her toes in dudes crotches, gettin' 'em all good and hot. after a big meal, they all retire. after a couple hours, the first salesman says "ok fellas, i'm gonna sneak in there and dip my dick in that strange. i mean for fucks sake, she was beggin' for it all night!". 20 minutes later, he comes back with a smile on his face. Salesman number two decides that he doesn't mind sloppy seconds, bids his farewell, and proceeds to go fuck the shit out of said wench, returning a half an hour later. Salesman 3's number is up, so he leaves to go get his. 5 minutes pass and the first two salesman hear a gunshot, followed by the girl sobbing, followed by the farmer showing up in there room with the double barrel along with a giant montherfucking good ole boy sporting a giant wrench like a club and bearing more than a passing resemblence to the farmer.

"boys, lurlene told me everything. we're going to tie you to the bed to think about what you've done, and here in a few hours you're going to help with the harvest."

so a couple sleepless hours pass for the salesmen. at the crack of down Farmer Shotgun and Brother Wrench wrestle the salesmen up, strip 'em naked, and take 'em out to the barn, where Salesman 3 is lying dead in a large hole in the dirt floor. "Ok Boys, heres some buckets and the wheel barrow. get out in those fields and pick 200 of your favorite fruit. do a good job, maybe i wont bury you in the barn like your friend." seeing no other option, they get to work.

after about 2 hours salesman #1 gets back with a bucket full of blueberries. "Alright sir, i'm done."

the farmer jams the shotgun in his nose. "Ok boy, now jam all of 'em up your ass."

after a moment of disbelief, the salesman starts jamming blueberries up his ass. about a quarter of the way through, he starts laughing uncontrollably, shooting the blueberries out of his ass on to the floor, with a copious amount of shit."

"Ok boy, you eat those blueberries and that shit, then jam the rest of the blueberries up your ass. Laugh again and it's a shotgun to your noggin'."

the salesman chokes down the shit covered berries, manages to keep from puking them up, then begins jamming the rest of the blueberries up his ass. about halfway trhough the remaineder, he starts laughing unbelievably hard, shoots the blueberries up his ass, and then the scent makes him puke up the shit-berries he'd eaten earlier.

cocking back the shotgun, the farmer asks "thats it for you son. but before you go, tell me whats so damn funny..."

the salesman replies "Bob's out there pickin' watermelons!"

I laughed. awesome.

[Hypnagogia]

d'oh

[Hypnagogia]

ther than it's the OPPOSITE of what should happen - dunno

thats part of it. the other part is that there is a concept of "should happen" based upon the various forms and formulae of jokes (knock knock, travelling salesman/farmers daughter, etc) that you are expecting when you hear the setup. fucking with those expectations is the joke, not unlike how said joke forms fucked with expectations when they were fresh.

my fav farmers daugher joke:

3 travelling salesmen break down in rural alabama. after walking a few miles, they finally find a farmers house and ask to use his telephone to call the mechanic. "Nearest mechanics in Mobile, about 2 hours away. But if you'll wait until tommorrow, my brothers got a knack for turning a wrench, and he should be back into town later this evening. Why dont y'all stay for dinner and sleep in the guest room? he'll gitcha fixed up tommorrow mornin'." about this time the farmers beautiful daughter shows up and that seals the deal for the salesmen.

so this bitch has legs like a fucking octopus. all through dinner she's playing footsie and jamming her toes in dudes crotches, gettin' 'em all good and hot. after a big meal, they all retire. after a couple hours, the first salesman says "ok fellas, i'm gonna sneak in there and dip my dick in that strange. i mean for fucks sake, she was beggin' for it all night!". 20 minutes later, he comes back with a smile on his face. Salesman number two decides that he doesn't mind sloppy seconds, bids his farewell, and proceeds to go fuck the shit out of said wench, returning a half an hour later. Salesman 3's number is up, so he leaves to go get his. 5 minutes pass and the first two salesman hear a gunshot, followed by the girl sobbing, followed by the farmer showing up in there room with the double barrel along with a giant montherfucking good ole boy sporting a giant wrench like a club and bearing more than a passing resemblence to the farmer.

"boys, lurlene told me everything. we're going to tie you to the bed to think about what you've done, and here in a few hours you're going to help with the harvest."

so a couple sleepless hours pass for the salesmen. at the crack of down Farmer Shotgun and Brother Wrench wrestle the salesmen up, strip 'em naked, and take 'em out to the barn, where Salesman 3 is lying dead in a large hole in the dirt floor. "Ok Boys, heres some buckets and the wheel barrow. get out in those fields and pick 200 of your favorite fruit. do a good job, maybe i wont bury you in the barn like your friend." seeing no other option, they get to work.

after about 2 hours salesman #1 gets back with a bucket full of blueberries. "Alright sir, i'm done."

the farmer jams the shotgun in his nose. "Ok boy, now jam all of 'em up your ass."

after a moment of disbelief, the salesman starts jamming blueberries up his ass. about a quarter of the way through, he starts laughing uncontrollably, shooting the blueberries out of his ass on to the floor, with a copious amount of shit."

"Ok boy, you eat those blueberries and that shit, then jam the rest of the blueberries up your ass. Laugh again and it's a shotgun to your noggin'."

the salesman chokes down the shit covered berries, manages to keep from puking them up, then begins jamming the rest of the blueberries up his ass. about halfway trhough the remaineder, he starts laughing unbelievably hard, shoots the blueberries up his ass, and then the scent makes him puke up the shit-berries he'd eaten earlier.

cocking back the shotgun, the farmer asks "thats it for you son. but before you go, tell me whats so damn funny..."

the salesman replies "Bob's out there pickin' watermelons!"

I laughed. awesome.

the punchline:setup ratio was weak was fuck.

[John Jr.]

wheres your jokes?

"JOKES HAVE TO HAPPEN FAST, OTHERWISE I JUST GET BORED AND GO BACK TO MASTURBATING!"

[Hypnagogia]

wheres your jokes?

"JOKES HAVE TO HAPPEN FAST, OTHERWISE I JUST GET BORED AND GO BACK TO MASTURBATING!"

jesus christ idiot, that's not even close to what I said, meant, or implied.
if you're going to meander through a bunch of crap, you better deliver with a good punchline is all.
that shitty ass joke is derivative of a bunch of other shitty as jokes.

the only shittier joke in this thread was the handjob/bj one.

[John Jr.]

heheheh, some people just dont get jokes.

[Hypnagogia]

GET IT?

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

[Repeater]

wheres your jokes?

"JOKES HAVE TO HAPPEN FAST, OTHERWISE I JUST GET BORED AND GO BACK TO MASTURBATING!"

jesus christ idiot, that's not even close to what I said, meant, or implied.
if you're going to meander through a bunch of crap, you better deliver with a good punchline is all.
that shitty ass joke is derivative of a bunch of other shitty as jokes.

the only shittier joke in this thread was the handjob/bj one.

You might just suck at reading jokes. Is your internal voice similar to Stephen Hawking's wheelchair? Or maybe Bea Arthur? That'd ruin the jokes for me, too.

[Hypnagogia]

oh man...dying over here...Bea Arthur?