Five Finger Donkey Punch - new bassist flyer

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SHOOTME
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Fri May 13, 2011 9:07 am

One of the world's shittiest bands needs a new bassist. Look at the ridiculous flyer they put out:

* Hard rock/alternative metal look
* Your image MUST be compatible with the band (absolutely no exceptions!)
* Under 35 years of age (no exceptions)
* Athletic build
* Not over 6 feet tall
* Tattoos a plus
* Some vocal ability preferred (screams and harmonies)
* Five-string bass ability a plus (music is mostly played in B)
* Passport a MUST
* Non-smokers preferred
* No alcoholics/drug addicts
* Band is based in Las Vegas. Be willing to relocate or commute

:drooly:
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SHOOTME
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Fri May 13, 2011 9:12 am

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The Schwartz
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Fri May 13, 2011 9:14 am

list sound like it was made up by Stefon the city correspondent

http://www.hulu.com/playlist/34845
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Ogre of Disgust
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Fri May 13, 2011 9:38 am

"Shitheads need bassist, you must be:
-A shithead"

I'm not seeing the ridiculous part
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Necrometer
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Fri May 13, 2011 10:12 am

SHOOTME wrote:* Not over 6 feet tall
this part is cute... if you GIS, every single promo shot they have features the singer doing something zany with respect to the rest of the dudes - either crouching, up in the foreground, standing on a BOX behind everyone else... and it's because he's a fucking midget! at bottom is the only pic of them all standing in a non-sneaky shot
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SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
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way to be a midget, midget
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good thing I'll be dead soon, cause I'm tired of liars winning
necrothrash
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Fri May 13, 2011 10:33 am

Danzig angles.
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Dr Yail Bloor
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Fri May 13, 2011 10:35 am

is that shifty shellshock?
\m/Johnny\m/ wrote:
I guess there's crippling, life shattering levels of alcoholism, and then there's Lemmy.
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copstache
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Fri May 13, 2011 10:36 am

necrothrash wrote:Danzig angles.
Dangles.
if there's anybody in the world who'd be fucking unobservant enough to actually damage themselves with trap-soap I guess it'd be the guy with dialup in 2007
Foot Foot wrote:that's enough. white girls.
Ogre of Disgust
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Fri May 13, 2011 10:42 am

Their publicysts bought 'em clothes at Crust Topic on Melrose, hey sixty dollar Seige patches are the price you pay.

LOL @ Danzig Angles
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From Blintzes to Crepes
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Fri May 13, 2011 10:53 am

Dr Yail Bloor wrote:is that shifty shellshock?
I thought the same fucking thing.

also, when are white people gonna realize that dreadlocks are fucking stupid on them?

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SHOOTME
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Fri May 13, 2011 11:56 am

Necrometer wrote:Image
What the fuck is that guy on the left wearing? It looks like some kind of chinese outfit that Hot Topic got ahold of and made it as douchey as it could possibly get. What an asshole.
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SHOOTME
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Fri May 13, 2011 11:58 am

Necrometer wrote:Image
Is the singer standing on a box in this pic?
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triple clutcher v2.5b
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Fri May 13, 2011 12:33 pm

nailedrightin wrote:I saw this band in Dallas last year. I only went for the free booze, drugs and food. I don't even remembered what they sound like. I guess that's a good thing.
I hear them occasionally on the radio at work, and they sound exactly like they look.
Natas
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Fri May 13, 2011 1:42 pm

SHOOTME wrote:
Necrometer wrote:Image
What the fuck is that guy on the left wearing? It looks like some kind of chinese outfit that Hot Topic got ahold of and made it as douchey as it could possibly get. What an asshole.

I swear when we recently went to one of those Jap places where they cook in front of you, this is exactly what the chefs were fucking wearing
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takeasneededforpain
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Fri May 13, 2011 2:35 pm

Why does anyone care about Five Faggot Death Hunch?
Eat shit and live...
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copstache
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Fri May 13, 2011 2:44 pm

give the guy a break, maybe he didn't have time to change out of his work clothes before the photoshoot
if there's anybody in the world who'd be fucking unobservant enough to actually damage themselves with trap-soap I guess it'd be the guy with dialup in 2007
Foot Foot wrote:that's enough. white girls.
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triple clutcher v2.5b
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Fri May 13, 2011 2:47 pm

I like how the singer is always turned so his tattoo is in the foreground.
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riley-o
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Fri May 13, 2011 2:48 pm

no one over 6' as a requirement for joining a band is absolutely fucking hilarious

meanwhile the actual bass playing abilities are listed as a "plus"
NO WUM CAM BEEP MAYYG BUX

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copstache
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Fri May 13, 2011 2:48 pm

think of all the new pose options he would have if he got the other arm done!

i also like how they're kind of implying that playing a 5-string bass is somehow different than playing a 4-string.
if there's anybody in the world who'd be fucking unobservant enough to actually damage themselves with trap-soap I guess it'd be the guy with dialup in 2007
Foot Foot wrote:that's enough. white girls.
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triple clutcher v2.5b
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Fri May 13, 2011 3:07 pm

riley-o wrote:no one over 6' as a requirement for joining a band is absolutely fucking hilarious
a while ago I was putting a band together with a friend of mine, but I'm kind of glad it petered out because I would've been the shortest person in the band by almost a foot.

I also like the idea that their practice space has a big sign next to the door like they have by the kiddie rides at amusement parks -- "For safety reasons, if you are taller than this line you cannot be in Five Finger Death Punch".
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riley-o
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Fri May 13, 2011 3:09 pm

5' death punch
NO WUM CAM BEEP MAYYG BUX

HUG TERROR SQUAD FOREVER
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soiled depends
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Fri May 13, 2011 3:11 pm

oh my cankles!!! destroyed by that singers' brutal fist assault!!!
does your employer know that you are a cold hearted animal murderer in addition to being an insatiable pervert?-meatgrease
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death by snoo snoo
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Fri May 13, 2011 3:11 pm

So you don't even try to honor the legendary SHOOTME's namesake anymore? Just drag his name through the mud by posting threads you're too cowardly to post under your real account?

Get AIDS>
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Friendly Goatus
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Fri May 13, 2011 3:12 pm

More like Five Wiener Butt Lunch.
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soiled depends
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Fri May 13, 2011 3:14 pm

five weiner butt lunch? that's so :drool: that it's :moreawesome:
does your employer know that you are a cold hearted animal murderer in addition to being an insatiable pervert?-meatgrease
only a fundamentally insecure asshole would relish in the death of domesticated cats-chad

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