The Joke Thread
- Wolfey
- Map, Monitor, Surge
- Posts: 884
- Joined: Tue Nov 27, 2007 12:26 pm
Re: The Joke Thread
What do you call a midget psychic on the run?
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
A small, medium at large
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
LOL!Wolfey wrote:What do you call a midget psychic on the run?
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOWA small, medium at large
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
first reply:smellmyfinger wrote:Why did john jr post so many bad jokes in this thread?SPOILERSPOILER_SHOWBecause he's attention starved dimwit with too much time on his hands
also:
http://reeelapse.com/viewtopic.php?f=1& ... unny+jokes
MANTIS wrote: It's not really a big deal bro, just a matter of taste.
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
- Krieg
- from the moon
- Posts: 9865
- Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2007 2:24 pm
Re: The Joke Thread
Jean Harlow : Aren't you Margot Asquith?
Margot Asquith : Yes Dear, But the 't' is silent, as in Harlow.
Margot Asquith : Yes Dear, But the 't' is silent, as in Harlow.
The Torsion wrote:I don't like Krieg
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
el oh fuckin' el
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
-
- Olde Timer
- Posts: 5630
- Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2007 6:49 pm
- Location: Mesa, AZ
Re: The Joke Thread
^^^^^Wolfey wrote:What do you call a midget psychic on the run?
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOWA small, medium at large
Toyota's got a new marketing campain slogan: "Nothing's gonna stop us now!" It should be a hit everywhere...
Last edited by pleasuretokill on Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Did your parents put and Atari 2600 in a gold box and wrap it with Genesis paper to fuck with you?" - Pieclun
"theres a new Camo stronger than black ice, its better tasting than all the rest. its 12.5% and tastes sorta like cream soda mixed with piss. i like it!" - ghost boner
"theres a new Camo stronger than black ice, its better tasting than all the rest. its 12.5% and tastes sorta like cream soda mixed with piss. i like it!" - ghost boner
-
- Olde Timer
- Posts: 5630
- Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2007 6:49 pm
- Location: Mesa, AZ
Re: The Joke Thread
post x2
"Did your parents put and Atari 2600 in a gold box and wrap it with Genesis paper to fuck with you?" - Pieclun
"theres a new Camo stronger than black ice, its better tasting than all the rest. its 12.5% and tastes sorta like cream soda mixed with piss. i like it!" - ghost boner
"theres a new Camo stronger than black ice, its better tasting than all the rest. its 12.5% and tastes sorta like cream soda mixed with piss. i like it!" - ghost boner
- Whiffleball Ace
- Map, Monitor, Surge
- Posts: 853
- Joined: Wed Jun 11, 2008 12:07 pm
- Location: PA
Re: The Joke Thread
What's the exact opposite of Christopher Reeve?
What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys?
What does a Mexican get for Christmas?
A man goes to the doctor's office to pick up his wife's test results.
Doctor: Mr. Jones I'm afraid there's some bad news.
Mr. Jones: Oh God, What is it?
Doctor: It appears that your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's.
Mr.Jones: Well, Which is it, Doc?
Doctor: We don't know, but there is a simple test to know for sure.
Mr. Jones: Ok, what is it?
Doctor: Put her in the car and drive west toward the farm country. Drive for about two hours.
Mr. Jones: Then what?
Doctor: Leave her there.
Mr. Jones: That it?
Doctor: Yes! However, if she finds her way home, don't fuck her.
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
Christopher Walken
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
coach
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
your bike
Doctor: Mr. Jones I'm afraid there's some bad news.
Mr. Jones: Oh God, What is it?
Doctor: It appears that your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's.
Mr.Jones: Well, Which is it, Doc?
Doctor: We don't know, but there is a simple test to know for sure.
Mr. Jones: Ok, what is it?
Doctor: Put her in the car and drive west toward the farm country. Drive for about two hours.
Mr. Jones: Then what?
Doctor: Leave her there.
Mr. Jones: That it?
Doctor: Yes! However, if she finds her way home, don't fuck her.
- Thrashmaster Flash
- Freakin Insane & Stuff..
- Posts: 2530
- Joined: Wed Aug 08, 2007 1:27 pm
- Location: St Petersburg, Florida
- Contact:
Re: The Joke Thread
I missed this the first time around, but those John Jr. jokes are A+! Where are those coming from, and why are there so many people on the Reeelapse board that dislike humor?
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
google unjoke
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
this one is probably my favorite:
A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there. The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit. "Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last." "Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar?" She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years. "So is it also eight years since you had a drink?" She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious. "So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?" "Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming." Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone... so terribly alone.
A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there. The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit. "Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last." "Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar?" She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years. "So is it also eight years since you had a drink?" She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious. "So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?" "Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming." Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone... so terribly alone.
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
- Mari_Mar
- Sir Posts-A-Lot
- Posts: 13635
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2008 4:16 pm
- Contact:
Re: The Joke Thread
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands..
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands..
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
Pisscubes wrote:"Females, as a whole, are horrible, souless creatures bent on the destruction of males".
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
q: why is 6 afraid of 7?
a: because 7 is black.
a: because 7 is black.
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
a termite walks into a bar and asks "where's the bartender."
Last edited by John Jr. on Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
- T O))) M
- Streetcleaner
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Jan 04, 2009 8:02 pm
- Location: Orlando, FL
Re: The Joke Thread
What did the deaf, dumb and blind child get for Chrimbus?
Whats red and bubbly and taps on glass?
What sits on the kitchen counter and gets smaller and smaller?
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
CANCER
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
BABY IN A MICROWAVE
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
BABY COMBING ITS HAIR WITH A POTATO PEELER
And then it happened: former United States president James Earl Carter picked up the suitcase to which Butthole Surfers singer Gibson Jerome Haynes had applied his genitals. The president then put the suitcase in the trunk, got in the car, and they sped off into the humid Georgia night.
-
- Mac N Cheese ONLY.
- Posts: 7755
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:22 pm
- Location: Anxious about Status
Re: The Joke Thread
got any hot-now "grosser than gross/grosser than that" jokes you want to throw on the fire?
"FUCK YES MORE LAWS RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME! LAW LAW LAW!" - Geeheeb
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
"OH I FORGOT, MORE JAILS TOO RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH JAIL JAIL JAIL!" - Geeheeb
"I don't recall quoting you as a shitbrain specifically... the shitbrain experience is not exactly the same for every shitbrain" -big rossman
- Necrophilic Mallard
- I am trying to quit.
- Posts: 6812
- Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 7:13 pm
- Location: Seattle
Re: The Joke Thread
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
what do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection?
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
quarter pounder w/ cheese
Fact #7
From an empirical viewpoint, the problem with Free Will (and causality) is reconciling determinism and freedom to make sense of morality.
From an empirical viewpoint, the problem with Free Will (and causality) is reconciling determinism and freedom to make sense of morality.
- Frickin' Slayer
- How's them beans, ma?
- Posts: 3441
- Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 10:07 am
- Location: Last in line for the gang bang
Re: The Joke Thread
wut do u get wen u mix a scorpio, a taurus, and a libra?
a sign
a sign
-
- DO THE DEW!
- Posts: 1571
- Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 4:46 pm
- Location: Chicago
Re: The Joke Thread
A white man goes to the doctor and tells him "Doc, I wanna be a black man."
The doctor says, "That's gonna be difficult, I'm going to have to darken your skin by 75%, reduce your intelligence by 50%, and double the length of your dick. Are you OK with this?"
And the man says "yes".
The man awakens from surgery and sees the doctor with a look of worry on his face.
The doctor says, "Well, there's been a mistake. I accidentally darkened your skin by 50%, reduced your intelligence by 75% and shortened your dick by one half. Are you OK with this?'
And the man says "Si, senor."
The doctor says, "That's gonna be difficult, I'm going to have to darken your skin by 75%, reduce your intelligence by 50%, and double the length of your dick. Are you OK with this?"
And the man says "yes".
The man awakens from surgery and sees the doctor with a look of worry on his face.
The doctor says, "Well, there's been a mistake. I accidentally darkened your skin by 50%, reduced your intelligence by 75% and shortened your dick by one half. Are you OK with this?'
And the man says "Si, senor."
The world may seem cruel. The worldly may hate us. In time we will show the world why the world made us.
Check out The MPLS Henrys!
Check out The MPLS Henrys!
-
- DO THE DEW!
- Posts: 1571
- Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 4:46 pm
- Location: Chicago
Re: The Joke Thread
A wealthy, single, old man goes to a bar one night. He sees this woman checking him out down the bar so he walks over.
He says "I'm sorry, but I can't help but notice that you've been checking me out all night."
She says, "Yeah babe. Do you like handjobs? I'll give you the best handjob you ever got for $5000."
And the guy goes, "Come on, I love handjobs but no handjob is worth that much!"
So the woman goes, "Honey, see all these rings?" Her hand is covered in diamond and ruby rings. "Yeah," he says.
"I bought these with the money I earned giving hand jobs." So the dude is like, "Damn, "you must be good."
So they go to the bathroom and she jerks him off. "Oh my god, that was the best handjob I've ever had!" The man exclaims. So she says, "You like blowjobs? I'll give you the best blowjob of your life for $10,000"
And the guy goes, "Come on, I love blowjobs but no blowjob is worth that much!" So she takes him out to the bar and points out the window; "See that car there?" A vintage, mint Rolls Royce is parked outside the bar. And the guy excitedly replies "Yeah!"
She says, "I bought that with the money I earned giving blowjobs."
So they go out into the car and she sucks him off. Afterward he's like "Oh my god! That was the best blowjob I've ever had in my life, but you know what I really want is your pussy."
So she points out the windshield of the car and says, "Honey, see that building down there?" There's a HUGE skyscraper at the end of the block. And the guy goes "YEAH!!!"
"If I had a pussy, I'd own it."
He says "I'm sorry, but I can't help but notice that you've been checking me out all night."
She says, "Yeah babe. Do you like handjobs? I'll give you the best handjob you ever got for $5000."
And the guy goes, "Come on, I love handjobs but no handjob is worth that much!"
So the woman goes, "Honey, see all these rings?" Her hand is covered in diamond and ruby rings. "Yeah," he says.
"I bought these with the money I earned giving hand jobs." So the dude is like, "Damn, "you must be good."
So they go to the bathroom and she jerks him off. "Oh my god, that was the best handjob I've ever had!" The man exclaims. So she says, "You like blowjobs? I'll give you the best blowjob of your life for $10,000"
And the guy goes, "Come on, I love blowjobs but no blowjob is worth that much!" So she takes him out to the bar and points out the window; "See that car there?" A vintage, mint Rolls Royce is parked outside the bar. And the guy excitedly replies "Yeah!"
She says, "I bought that with the money I earned giving blowjobs."
So they go out into the car and she sucks him off. Afterward he's like "Oh my god! That was the best blowjob I've ever had in my life, but you know what I really want is your pussy."
So she points out the windshield of the car and says, "Honey, see that building down there?" There's a HUGE skyscraper at the end of the block. And the guy goes "YEAH!!!"
"If I had a pussy, I'd own it."
Last edited by Repeater on Fri Sep 24, 2010 9:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
The world may seem cruel. The worldly may hate us. In time we will show the world why the world made us.
Check out The MPLS Henrys!
Check out The MPLS Henrys!
- altars of radness
- Olde Timer
- Posts: 5656
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2007 6:36 pm
- Location: Fake Asia
Re: The Joke Thread
A young woman is buying groceries after a long day at work. She buys a Diet Coke, a magazine about cats and a small tub of ice cream. When she reaches the till, the man working there looks at her, looks at the items she's about to buy and then looks at her again.
"Excuse me, miss. You wouldn't happen to be single, would you?" he asks.
"Yes, I am," she replies. "How did you know?"
"Because you're fucking ugly."
"Excuse me, miss. You wouldn't happen to be single, would you?" he asks.
"Yes, I am," she replies. "How did you know?"
"Because you're fucking ugly."
http://teenagedesires.bandcamp.comErik13 wrote:Does anyone have pics of Ron shirtless?
http://mockduck.bandcamp.com
-
- Foaming at the mouth.
- Posts: 7281
- Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:33 am
-
- Cranker9
- Posts: 3468
- Joined: Mon Dec 01, 2008 5:55 pm
Re: The Joke Thread
A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought u only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea"
- Wang Mandu
- Sir Posts-A-Lot
- Posts: 13943
- Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2007 5:14 am
Re: The Joke Thread
What do they say about an Arab in a suit?
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
They say, "Defendant, please stand up!"
BUNGVOX wrote:solo hanneman / solo mengele