Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread

[Mendicant]

my area does learning and development work and today at a presentation our General Manager (ie. about 3rd in command of the whole department) did a speech and announced that the decision had been made about a tender for a new provider for our leadership training but that she couldn't remember their name but yay for us!!

only problem was that the consultants used for the presentation today had tendered for the same thing and hadn't actually been told yet they they were unsuccessful

another in the long line of gaffs from this GM

[/boring public service story]

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

"I don't usually listen to Pantera but occasionally I like to play the fastest most brutal music there is."

[riley-o]

worker 1: ahhh there's a bee in here !
worker 2: oh it's a big one too !
worker 1: it must be a mother bee.
worker 2: yeah.

[Frickin' Slayer]

me "ya im n aquarius, we're an air sign"

her "no that's not true! im n aquarius too and we're a water sign! we're the water bearers!"

me " "

her bf "he knos his stuf,dont challenge him on it."

me " "

[Ghost Dad]

A: "so what was the patient admitted for?"
B: "bbq sauce"
A: "...what?"
B: "yeah... that was pretty much our reaction as well. she had bbq for dinner and regurgitated a bit of it up onto her shirt. for some reason the nurses at her facility thought she was having a gi bleed and called county."
A: "what the fuck am i supposed to write on the report?"
B: "i dunno... assisted living home nurses are stupid?"
C: "shit... we should make a stamp out of that, because we'd use it every day."

[riley-o]

dude: hey what is this ?
me: death in june
dude: oh okay. sounded like mike patton.
me: ...
dude: are they from seattle ?
me: ...

[Hypnagogia]

"you ever notice how words start to look weird when you stare at them for a while?"
"like 'system' is a weird word, but 'subsystem' is really weird"

we shuffled around in the building; my new cubemate is a genius.
she also scolded me because I put wrappers in her garbage can, and thought that was enough evidence to accuse me of also moving it. I explained that the cleaning people probably did it, while scheming of putting it in a different location each day.

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

Me: *knocks on door*
Him: "Oh man, I forgot we even ordered pizza."
Me: "Damn dude did I take that long?"
Him: "Nah. Cake Boss is on."
Me:

[jakebonz@work]

Me: *knocks on door*
Him: "Oh man, I forgot we even ordered pizza."
Me: "Damn dude did I take that long?"
Him: "Nah. Cake Boss is on."
Me:

Oh, you mean the show where the surly, gruff, old guy that runs a business yells at his younger staff members for 30 or so minutes?

[jakebonz@work]

Oh, shit...guess I was thinking of another show...

[ratanda]

Me: "In Edmonton I went to this really nice Ethiopean food place! Good prices, very nice staff..."
Balding Female 45 Year Old Co-Worker: "Ethiopean food? What was there flies, and tapeworms hahaha!"
Me: "..."

A friend told me of a similar conversation recently. He bragged that he responded, "Ethiopean restaurant? What do they serve? Dirt? hahaha!"

[ungodlywarlock]

man I hate cake boss so much.

In general, I hate all of these shows that are "some random asshole who owns a business and based on that concept alone, I am supposed to give a fuck".
The exception is Pawn Stars, which rules, but everything else is shit.

[Whee of the Dead]

"How much are quarters?"

[MeatGrease]

My cousin told me her supervisor asked her "how do you spell super? One p or two?"

[Mari_Mar]

I have an employee who is extremely socially awkward. He's also extremely outgoing and feels the need to chime into every conversation. But he's clueless, fidgety, and usually waiting to talk, so he often fumbles comprehending what you're talking about, leaving everyone to stare at him and do this:

The other day I was talking to one of my other employees...

me: Who was that?
Emp1: One of the Workplace Services guys. He's trying to clean up the hallway...
me: Oh! The tall, bald guy?
Emp1: Yeah.
me: That guy is so creepy.
Emp1: *chuckles*
me: Seriously. Every time I'm walking down the hall he stops what he's doing, and stands there with this big creepy smile on his face. Then he says "hi" to me, all nervous when I pass him. It weirds me out...
GeekEmp: Aww... So being bald creeps you out?
me:
Emp1:

[jakebonz@work]

Mari, you gonna git raped in a broom closet.

[Dr Yail Bloor]

I think jakebonz may be right Mari, carry a weapon.

[Mari_Mar]

I know!

[ratanda]

I want to hear more stories about this guy.

[ratanda]

Manager: "Dan, I'm trying to knock out five birds w/ one stone. Can you look at blahblah for me?"

I think he means he's got 5 tasks. Not that all 5 tasks have one common solution.

[Mari_Mar]

Oh god! They happen all the time!

GeekEmp: So, this friend of mine is having me plan his bachelor party.
me: Really? Are you his best man?
GeekEmp: Well... that's the thing... no. But, I know the city better than any of them because I was born and raised here, and I go out all the time, and stuff...
me: Oh... So, what are you planning?
GeekEmp: Oh, I figure we could go to North Beach because of all the restaurants there. And then we can go have fun in the strip clubs up and down Broadway.
me: Yeah... If your idea of fun is getting lap dances from strippers with bullet wounds and missing teeth...
GeekEmp: *nervous disingenuous chuckle* No, nothing that crazy...
me: ... Have you ever been in the strip clubs on Broadway?
GeekEmp: Yeah... Once...
me: And you didn't think the girls were nasty in there???
GeekEmp: Well... yeah... but, we went kinda early, so I thought it was just the day crew or something, and they bring in the really smokin' girls at night.
me:

*Broadway is notorious for having low-grade strip clubs.

[Mari_Mar]

Manager: "Dan, I'm trying to knock out five birds w/ one stone. Can you look at blahblah for me?"

I think he means he's got 5 tasks. Not that all 5 tasks have one common solution.

HAHAHAHA!

[ratanda]

*Broadway is notorious for having low-grade strip clubs.

Haha that story sounded more like him being dumb than socially awkward. Reminds me of some old coworkers of mine who considered any area that wasn't suburban Atlanta to be "downtown."

[ratanda]

Manager: "Dan, I'm trying to knock out five birds w/ one stone. Can you look at blahblah for me?"

I think he means he's got 5 tasks. Not that all 5 tasks have one common solution.

HAHAHAHA!

He's the source of nearly all my contributions to this thread.

[Mari_Mar]

Haha that sounded more dumb than socially awkward. Reminds me of some old coworkers of mine who considered any area that wasn't suburban Atlanta to be "downtown."

His social awkwardness comes from his delivery. Everything from his constantly shifty eyes, to his nervous tone, to the fumbling idiocy of things he says... It's a little difficult for me to capture.

Within three weeks of me hiring him...

GeekEmp: Aww... what's wrong?
me: I feel fat today...
GeekEmp: But you look great!
me: thank...
GeekEmp: And you have GORGEOUS eyes!!!
me: