Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
He definitely needs to post here.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Sounds like this dude will deserve whatever shit happens to him, especially after you warned him.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Just now:
My manager is looking up addresses for banks/accounts/local offices for some other group here.
Manager: "I eventually started looking some of these up online. I looked where the office was strategically located. Now in China we have a ton. So I looked at the providence where it's located and searched for the closest address of that bank."
Hahaha FUCK!!! I tried hard not to crack a smile or chuckle. I almost asked about the office's STRATEGIC location.
My manager is looking up addresses for banks/accounts/local offices for some other group here.
Manager: "I eventually started looking some of these up online. I looked where the office was strategically located. Now in China we have a ton. So I looked at the providence where it's located and searched for the closest address of that bank."
Hahaha FUCK!!! I tried hard not to crack a smile or chuckle. I almost asked about the office's STRATEGIC location.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Another I just remembered.
We have three main region offices: Europe, Asia and Americas, and the staff in those offices contact us whenever people in the local offices need something.
IM convo with my manager a few days ago:
Manager: "Who is Carl's counterpart in Europe?"
Me: "Carl works in Europe... I don't understand what you mean. Do you mean Carla in Americas?"
(I originally assumed he was asking for the name of someone in Asia or Americas with a similar job. So I assumed he mixed up the names Carl and Carla, via typo or whatever.)
Manager: "No I mean Carl. Who is someone who does Carl's job in Europe? Who is his counterpart?"
Me: "....Carl does Carl's job in Europe. Are you saying Carl is his own counterpart?"
Manager: "Yes."
Fuck!!!!
EDIT: Oh yeah, the rest:
After asking more questions to figure out what the fuck he was really after I finally just said,
Me: "Allen, Bob and Denise do similar things Carl do, and are all in Europe."
Manager: "Ok, thanks!"
It turns out he was asking for the name of one of Carl's teammates. FUUCKKK. "Counterpart" ...Jesus fuck
We have three main region offices: Europe, Asia and Americas, and the staff in those offices contact us whenever people in the local offices need something.
IM convo with my manager a few days ago:
Manager: "Who is Carl's counterpart in Europe?"
Me: "Carl works in Europe... I don't understand what you mean. Do you mean Carla in Americas?"
(I originally assumed he was asking for the name of someone in Asia or Americas with a similar job. So I assumed he mixed up the names Carl and Carla, via typo or whatever.)
Manager: "No I mean Carl. Who is someone who does Carl's job in Europe? Who is his counterpart?"
Me: "....Carl does Carl's job in Europe. Are you saying Carl is his own counterpart?"
Manager: "Yes."
Fuck!!!!
EDIT: Oh yeah, the rest:
After asking more questions to figure out what the fuck he was really after I finally just said,
Me: "Allen, Bob and Denise do similar things Carl do, and are all in Europe."
Manager: "Ok, thanks!"
It turns out he was asking for the name of one of Carl's teammates. FUUCKKK. "Counterpart" ...Jesus fuck
Last edited by ratanda on Fri Jun 17, 2011 9:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Dan's work life sounds like Dilbert.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
The men who can handle this with poise and grace control nations, destroy ethnic groups and fuck sex symbolsMari_Mar wrote:me: I feel fat today...![]()
I'm sure your guy really is awkward and all but give him a pass on this one
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Streven Adler wrote:i constantly get partnered on with this inept fuckhead at work because few others will tolerate his bullshit(yes, i'm actually a very tolerant, patient individual outside the internet). this shit had my fucking blood up though...
IF: dude... i'm coming back here(hospital) later and giving some chocolate to those two nurses. did you hear me asking them what kind they liked? this is so awesome.
me: don't do that. you could get fined for giving gifts out like that. (new local health laws prohibit this carrying very heft fines for anyone caught violating them)
if: but... shit... ok. why not?
me: because you could get fined if anyone found out about it. it's not like a $50 fine. it's a fucking $5000 fine, and you'll get shitcanned. is it really worth that much to you? and you just said yourself that most of these people in here hate you, so what stopping them from ratting you out to the health department after they see you giving "gifts" to one of their coworkers? there's a shitload of employees here. you're going to have to buy a lot more than chocolate to fix the shit you're planning to get yourself in.
if: fuck! i guess that makes sense... but.. these people hate me! i have to do something... i'm not getting enough calls because they hate me and if i give some of them some chocolate... shit, i already told them i would! fuck.. fuck you!
me: do what you want, but don't fucking cry about it when you lose your job and get your pussy little bank acct tossed.
if: man, fuck you for making me think. fuck. i can't process this much at once(he's being genuinely sincere about this remark...)
me: .....can we discuss this later? besides, none of them call you personally. their not personally withholding calls from you. stop being stupid and paranoid and just think about the situation as a whole, then you'll realize how your perception of this whole thing makes no fucking sense.
if: my brain can't do this!!! fuck you!! goddammit!
![Samurai Cop :what:](./images/smilies/what.gif)
fuck, sorry man.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Another story with a different coworker:
We went to the mall foodcourt for lunch. I got my food and met her back at a table where she had what looked like chicken fingers (deep fried) in a transparent/golden sauce, almost honey colored
Me: "Oh so you got chicken fingers?"
Her: "No, it's sauteed chicken."
Ne: "But those are clearly chicken fingers."
Her: "Well the guy called it sauteed chicken."
Me: "Well, sure they could have sauted them after they deep fried them."
Her: "Oh Dan, you're so funny"
Me:
kjcxndsfewoiuewoijdsoijf
We went to the mall foodcourt for lunch. I got my food and met her back at a table where she had what looked like chicken fingers (deep fried) in a transparent/golden sauce, almost honey colored
Me: "Oh so you got chicken fingers?"
Her: "No, it's sauteed chicken."
Ne: "But those are clearly chicken fingers."
Her: "Well the guy called it sauteed chicken."
Me: "Well, sure they could have sauted them after they deep fried them."
Her: "Oh Dan, you're so funny"
Me:
![Samurai Cop :what:](./images/smilies/what.gif)
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
See, I would have suggested flowers to go along with the chocolates.Streven Adler wrote:i constantly get partnered on with this inept fuckhead at work because few others will tolerate his bullshit(yes, i'm actually a very tolerant, patient individual outside the internet). this shit had my fucking blood up though...
IF: dude... i'm coming back here(hospital) later and giving some chocolate to those two nurses. did you hear me asking them what kind they liked? this is so awesome.
me: don't do that. you could get fined for giving gifts out like that. (new local health laws prohibit this carrying very heft fines for anyone caught violating them)
if: but... shit... ok. why not?
me: because you could get fined if anyone found out about it. it's not like a $50 fine. it's a fucking $5000 fine, and you'll get shitcanned. is it really worth that much to you? and you just said yourself that most of these people in here hate you, so what stopping them from ratting you out to the health department after they see you giving "gifts" to one of their coworkers? there's a shitload of employees here. you're going to have to buy a lot more than chocolate to fix the shit you're planning to get yourself in.
if: fuck! i guess that makes sense... but.. these people hate me! i have to do something... i'm not getting enough calls because they hate me and if i give some of them some chocolate... shit, i already told them i would! fuck.. fuck you!
me: do what you want, but don't fucking cry about it when you lose your job and get your pussy little bank acct tossed.
if: man, fuck you for making me think. fuck. i can't process this much at once(he's being genuinely sincere about this remark...)
me: .....can we discuss this later? besides, none of them call you personally. their not personally withholding calls from you. stop being stupid and paranoid and just think about the situation as a whole, then you'll realize how your perception of this whole thing makes no fucking sense.
if: my brain can't do this!!! fuck you!! goddammit!
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
The word "consultive"
People say it like it exists
Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants
People say it like it exists
Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
"I can only drink bottled water."
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
TF@work wrote:The word "consultive"
People say it like it exists
Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants
A school we insure had a $30k claim settlement that cost $39k in legal fees so fuck attorneys forever for this and a million other reasons.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
so would you say they acted consultively?, or...Natas wrote:TF@work wrote:The word "consultive"
People say it like it exists
Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants
A school we insure had a $30k claim settlement that cost $39k in legal fees so fuck attorneys forever for this and a million other reasons.
SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
Mallard's a workin
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
after a month of leave I couldn't remember my password to get into the system and when I rang up the help desk the genius on the other end asked me to fill in the online form
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Hahahahaha oh fuck haahahahahaharatanda wrote:Another story with a different coworker:
We went to the mall foodcourt for lunch. I got my food and met her back at a table where she had what looked like chicken fingers (deep fried) in a transparent/golden sauce, almost honey colored
Me: "Oh so you got chicken fingers?"
Her: "No, it's sauteed chicken."
Ne: "But those are clearly chicken fingers."
Her: "Well the guy called it sauteed chicken."
Me: "Well, sure they could have sauted them after they deep fried them."
Her: "Oh Dan, you're so funny"
Me:kjcxndsfewoiuewoijdsoijf
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Impactful.TF@work wrote:The word "consultive"
People say it like it exists
Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
"You know, shit and sin are a lot alike. When you a baby (and I still remember this), you shit yourself. But you sort of enjoy it- it's all warm and squishy. Comfortable. You think, 'this is kinda nice!' But then it starts to get itchy and uncomfortable after a while, and you think, 'hey, I don't like this'. So you cry. And it smells; people around you can smell it. Just like sin, it's noticeable to those around you. People can smell sin. But then Christ comes, he washes the sin away. Makes you feel clean, comfortable."
-my knee replacement patient/ hospital chaplain.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Listen...just because you've changed the font, text justification, and size of your incredibly vague e-mail answer to my simple question the second time around DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO UNDERSTAND THAN THE FIRST TIME.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
*water cooler talk heard from my office*
Middle Aged Guy: ...blah blah blah...like in National Lampoons Vacation when...blah blah blah...
Young Guy: Ew...it says something about your taste that you watch National Lampoon anything.
Middle Aged Guy: ...wait, what? VACATION. You know, Chevy Chase. You don't like that movie?
Young Guy: Well, I dunno, I've never seen it...but I saw National Lampoons Van Wilder and a couple others and that sucked so...
Middle Aged Guy: Huh?
![Samurai Cop :what:](./images/smilies/what.gif)
Middle Aged Guy: ...blah blah blah...like in National Lampoons Vacation when...blah blah blah...
Young Guy: Ew...it says something about your taste that you watch National Lampoon anything.
Middle Aged Guy: ...wait, what? VACATION. You know, Chevy Chase. You don't like that movie?
Young Guy: Well, I dunno, I've never seen it...but I saw National Lampoons Van Wilder and a couple others and that sucked so...
Middle Aged Guy: Huh?
![Samurai Cop :what:](./images/smilies/what.gif)
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
"Who can tell me another animal that lives in the sea?"
"Spider-Man!"
Hey, just 'cause it's a 4-year-old Korean kid saying it doesn't mean it ain't dumb![awesome :awesome:](./images/smilies/awesome.gif)
"Spider-Man!"
Hey, just 'cause it's a 4-year-old Korean kid saying it doesn't mean it ain't dumb
![awesome :awesome:](./images/smilies/awesome.gif)
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
You like to sing, that's cool
Don't do it at work, nblack
Don't do it at work, nblack
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
ungodlywarlock wrote:*water cooler talk heard from my office*
Middle Aged Guy: ...blah blah blah...like in National Lampoons Vacation when...blah blah blah...
Young Guy: Ew...it says something about your taste that you watch National Lampoon anything.
Middle Aged Guy: ...wait, what? VACATION. You know, Chevy Chase. You don't like that movie?
Young Guy: Well, I dunno, I've never seen it...but I saw National Lampoons Van Wilder and a couple others and that sucked so...
Middle Aged Guy: Huh?
Are you defending Chevy Chase?
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
NL's Vacation and Christmas Vacation rule. Fuck you.Raw Ting wrote:ungodlywarlock wrote:*water cooler talk heard from my office*
Middle Aged Guy: ...blah blah blah...like in National Lampoons Vacation when...blah blah blah...
Young Guy: Ew...it says something about your taste that you watch National Lampoon anything.
Middle Aged Guy: ...wait, what? VACATION. You know, Chevy Chase. You don't like that movie?
Young Guy: Well, I dunno, I've never seen it...but I saw National Lampoons Van Wilder and a couple others and that sucked so...
Middle Aged Guy: Huh?
Are you defending Chevy Chase?
Dumb thing I heard at work tonight:
Ay yo, you tell dat nigga to stop being a muhfuckin' weenie and come through.
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Re: Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread
Ever since starting this job, I've read/heard some absolute whoppers, particularly for pro se motions (where someone represents themselves).
For instance, one person being charged with making threats to a gubmint officer claimsthat the gubmint is infecting catholics with viruses, specifically catholics because they are more likely to believe in the devil infecting them. For authority, she cites the MOVIE Devil's Advocate.
For instance, one person being charged with making threats to a gubmint officer claimsthat the gubmint is infecting catholics with viruses, specifically catholics because they are more likely to believe in the devil infecting them. For authority, she cites the MOVIE Devil's Advocate.
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