Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

He definitely needs to post here.

[ratanda]

Sounds like this dude will deserve whatever shit happens to him, especially after you warned him.

[ratanda]

Just now:

My manager is looking up addresses for banks/accounts/local offices for some other group here.

Manager: "I eventually started looking some of these up online. I looked where the office was strategically located. Now in China we have a ton. So I looked at the providence where it's located and searched for the closest address of that bank."

Hahaha FUCK!!! I tried hard not to crack a smile or chuckle. I almost asked about the office's STRATEGIC location.

[ratanda]

Another I just remembered.

We have three main region offices: Europe, Asia and Americas, and the staff in those offices contact us whenever people in the local offices need something.

IM convo with my manager a few days ago:

Manager: "Who is Carl's counterpart in Europe?"
Me: "Carl works in Europe... I don't understand what you mean. Do you mean Carla in Americas?"
(I originally assumed he was asking for the name of someone in Asia or Americas with a similar job. So I assumed he mixed up the names Carl and Carla, via typo or whatever.)
Manager: "No I mean Carl. Who is someone who does Carl's job in Europe? Who is his counterpart?"
Me: "....Carl does Carl's job in Europe. Are you saying Carl is his own counterpart?"
Manager: "Yes."


Fuck!!!!

EDIT: Oh yeah, the rest:

After asking more questions to figure out what the fuck he was really after I finally just said,

Me: "Allen, Bob and Denise do similar things Carl do, and are all in Europe."
Manager: "Ok, thanks!"

It turns out he was asking for the name of one of Carl's teammates. FUUCKKK. "Counterpart" ...Jesus fuck

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

Dan's work life sounds like Dilbert.

[james]

me: I feel fat today...

The men who can handle this with poise and grace control nations, destroy ethnic groups and fuck sex symbols

I'm sure your guy really is awkward and all but give him a pass on this one

[badgevvrecker]

i constantly get partnered on with this inept fuckhead at work because few others will tolerate his bullshit(yes, i'm actually a very tolerant, patient individual outside the internet). this shit had my fucking blood up though...

IF: dude... i'm coming back here(hospital) later and giving some chocolate to those two nurses. did you hear me asking them what kind they liked? this is so awesome.
me: don't do that. you could get fined for giving gifts out like that. (new local health laws prohibit this carrying very heft fines for anyone caught violating them)
if: but... shit... ok. why not?
me: because you could get fined if anyone found out about it. it's not like a $50 fine. it's a fucking $5000 fine, and you'll get shitcanned. is it really worth that much to you? and you just said yourself that most of these people in here hate you, so what stopping them from ratting you out to the health department after they see you giving "gifts" to one of their coworkers? there's a shitload of employees here. you're going to have to buy a lot more than chocolate to fix the shit you're planning to get yourself in.
if: fuck! i guess that makes sense... but.. these people hate me! i have to do something... i'm not getting enough calls because they hate me and if i give some of them some chocolate... shit, i already told them i would! fuck.. fuck you!
me: do what you want, but don't fucking cry about it when you lose your job and get your pussy little bank acct tossed.
if: man, fuck you for making me think. fuck. i can't process this much at once(he's being genuinely sincere about this remark...)
me: .....can we discuss this later? besides, none of them call you personally. their not personally withholding calls from you. stop being stupid and paranoid and just think about the situation as a whole, then you'll realize how your perception of this whole thing makes no fucking sense.
if: my brain can't do this!!! fuck you!! goddammit!

fuck, sorry man.

[ratanda]

Another story with a different coworker:

We went to the mall foodcourt for lunch. I got my food and met her back at a table where she had what looked like chicken fingers (deep fried) in a transparent/golden sauce, almost honey colored

Me: "Oh so you got chicken fingers?"
Her: "No, it's sauteed chicken."
Ne: "But those are clearly chicken fingers."
Her: "Well the guy called it sauteed chicken."
Me: "Well, sure they could have sauted them after they deep fried them."
Her: "Oh Dan, you're so funny"
Me: kjcxndsfewoiuewoijdsoijf

[Raw Ting]

hahaha

[danox3]

i constantly get partnered on with this inept fuckhead at work because few others will tolerate his bullshit(yes, i'm actually a very tolerant, patient individual outside the internet). this shit had my fucking blood up though...

IF: dude... i'm coming back here(hospital) later and giving some chocolate to those two nurses. did you hear me asking them what kind they liked? this is so awesome.
me: don't do that. you could get fined for giving gifts out like that. (new local health laws prohibit this carrying very heft fines for anyone caught violating them)
if: but... shit... ok. why not?
me: because you could get fined if anyone found out about it. it's not like a $50 fine. it's a fucking $5000 fine, and you'll get shitcanned. is it really worth that much to you? and you just said yourself that most of these people in here hate you, so what stopping them from ratting you out to the health department after they see you giving "gifts" to one of their coworkers? there's a shitload of employees here. you're going to have to buy a lot more than chocolate to fix the shit you're planning to get yourself in.
if: fuck! i guess that makes sense... but.. these people hate me! i have to do something... i'm not getting enough calls because they hate me and if i give some of them some chocolate... shit, i already told them i would! fuck.. fuck you!
me: do what you want, but don't fucking cry about it when you lose your job and get your pussy little bank acct tossed.
if: man, fuck you for making me think. fuck. i can't process this much at once(he's being genuinely sincere about this remark...)
me: .....can we discuss this later? besides, none of them call you personally. their not personally withholding calls from you. stop being stupid and paranoid and just think about the situation as a whole, then you'll realize how your perception of this whole thing makes no fucking sense.
if: my brain can't do this!!! fuck you!! goddammit!

See, I would have suggested flowers to go along with the chocolates.

[TF@work]

The word "consultive"

People say it like it exists

Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants

[bundlesofvitals]

"I can only drink bottled water."

[Natas]

The word "consultive"

People say it like it exists

Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants

A school we insure had a $30k claim settlement that cost $39k in legal fees so fuck attorneys forever for this and a million other reasons.

[Hypnagogia]

The word "consultive"

People say it like it exists

Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants

A school we insure had a $30k claim settlement that cost $39k in legal fees so fuck attorneys forever for this and a million other reasons.

so would you say they acted consultively?, or...

[Mendicant]

after a month of leave I couldn't remember my password to get into the system and when I rang up the help desk the genius on the other end asked me to fill in the online form

[GoreyGibbler]

Another story with a different coworker:

We went to the mall foodcourt for lunch. I got my food and met her back at a table where she had what looked like chicken fingers (deep fried) in a transparent/golden sauce, almost honey colored

Me: "Oh so you got chicken fingers?"
Her: "No, it's sauteed chicken."
Ne: "But those are clearly chicken fingers."
Her: "Well the guy called it sauteed chicken."
Me: "Well, sure they could have sauted them after they deep fried them."
Her: "Oh Dan, you're so funny"
Me: kjcxndsfewoiuewoijdsoijf

Hahahahaha oh fuck haahahahahaha

[EEEOOOEEEOOOEEEOOO]

The word "consultive"

People say it like it exists

Everybody, from attorneys down to administrive assistants

Impactful.

[Ghost Dad]

"You know, shit and sin are a lot alike. When you a baby (and I still remember this), you shit yourself. But you sort of enjoy it- it's all warm and squishy. Comfortable. You think, 'this is kinda nice!' But then it starts to get itchy and uncomfortable after a while, and you think, 'hey, I don't like this'. So you cry. And it smells; people around you can smell it. Just like sin, it's noticeable to those around you. People can smell sin. But then Christ comes, he washes the sin away. Makes you feel clean, comfortable."

-my knee replacement patient/ hospital chaplain.

[jakebonz@work]

Listen...just because you've changed the font, text justification, and size of your incredibly vague e-mail answer to my simple question the second time around DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO UNDERSTAND THAN THE FIRST TIME.

[ungodlywarlock]

*water cooler talk heard from my office*

Middle Aged Guy: ...blah blah blah...like in National Lampoons Vacation when...blah blah blah...
Young Guy: Ew...it says something about your taste that you watch National Lampoon anything.
Middle Aged Guy: ...wait, what? VACATION. You know, Chevy Chase. You don't like that movie?
Young Guy: Well, I dunno, I've never seen it...but I saw National Lampoons Van Wilder and a couple others and that sucked so...
Middle Aged Guy: Huh?

[Broken Into Pieces]

"Who can tell me another animal that lives in the sea?"
"Spider-Man!"

Hey, just 'cause it's a 4-year-old Korean kid saying it doesn't mean it ain't dumb

[TF@work]

You like to sing, that's cool

Don't do it at work, nblack

[Raw Ting]

*water cooler talk heard from my office*

Middle Aged Guy: ...blah blah blah...like in National Lampoons Vacation when...blah blah blah...
Young Guy: Ew...it says something about your taste that you watch National Lampoon anything.
Middle Aged Guy: ...wait, what? VACATION. You know, Chevy Chase. You don't like that movie?
Young Guy: Well, I dunno, I've never seen it...but I saw National Lampoons Van Wilder and a couple others and that sucked so...
Middle Aged Guy: Huh?

Are you defending Chevy Chase?

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

*water cooler talk heard from my office*

Middle Aged Guy: ...blah blah blah...like in National Lampoons Vacation when...blah blah blah...
Young Guy: Ew...it says something about your taste that you watch National Lampoon anything.
Middle Aged Guy: ...wait, what? VACATION. You know, Chevy Chase. You don't like that movie?
Young Guy: Well, I dunno, I've never seen it...but I saw National Lampoons Van Wilder and a couple others and that sucked so...
Middle Aged Guy: Huh?

Are you defending Chevy Chase?

NL's Vacation and Christmas Vacation rule. Fuck you.

Dumb thing I heard at work tonight:

Ay yo, you tell dat nigga to stop being a muhfuckin' weenie and come through.

[Zap Rowsdower]

Ever since starting this job, I've read/heard some absolute whoppers, particularly for pro se motions (where someone represents themselves).

For instance, one person being charged with making threats to a gubmint officer claimsthat the gubmint is infecting catholics with viruses, specifically catholics because they are more likely to believe in the devil infecting them. For authority, she cites the MOVIE Devil's Advocate.