Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread

[a world of no]

same guy from before. about an hour or so ago.

nurse: "oooh.. you have the same pen i do!"
him: "oh, yeah! ha! these are great pens."
nurse: *starts doing something else*
him: "ummmm... i might have a few lying around if you want some more."
nurse: "yeah? ok. sure."
him: "great! i'll see what i have out in the truck."
(later in truck after dude rummages around for several minutes)
him: "what's the closest wal-mart to here?"
me: "...the one over near the station. wait... why? you can't be hungry again already. you just ate."
him: "no! fuck you. no reason."
me: "shit... you're going to go buy pens for that fucking nurse??"
him: "shut up... yes. what the hell?"
me: "that's creepy as shit. do it. hell, i want to see this shit, so lets go get the pens."
him: "really? wait... you can't come with me. that's weird."
me: "how the fuck is that any weirder than you going to wal-mart at midnight to buy pens for some random woman? i want to watch the love flare in her eyes when she see you come strutting back into the er with a grubby fist full of brand new pens, just for her. it'll be a growing experience for everyone that witnesses it."
him: "fuck you... forget about it."
(later still)
him: "you know what would be a good idea? a class on how to talk to people. i think i need something like that. you really think giving a box of pens to that nurse would be bad? she's cute."
me: "no, it's a fantastic idea. i think you should do it. then you should go home and look for some local classes on how to unfuck your retard."
him: "i think they're both good ideas, so fuck you."

shift ended, and i'm pretty sure he's at wal-mart right now buying pens.

[ratanda]

[Cascade Whore]

same guy from before. about an hour or so ago.

nurse: "oooh.. you have the same pen i do!"
him: "oh, yeah! ha! these are great pens."
nurse: *starts doing something else*
him: "ummmm... i might have a few lying around if you want some more."
nurse: "yeah? ok. sure."
him: "great! i'll see what i have out in the truck."
(later in truck after dude rummages around for several minutes)
him: "what's the closest wal-mart to here?"
me: "...the one over near the station. wait... why? you can't be hungry again already. you just ate."
him: "no! fuck you. no reason."
me: "shit... you're going to go buy pens for that fucking nurse??"
him: "shut up... yes. what the hell?"
me: "that's creepy as shit. do it. hell, i want to see this shit, so lets go get the pens."
him: "really? wait... you can't come with me. that's weird."
me: "how the fuck is that any weirder than you going to wal-mart at midnight to buy pens for some random woman? i want to watch the love flare in her eyes when she see you come strutting back into the er with a grubby fist full of brand new pens, just for her. it'll be a growing experience for everyone that witnesses it."
him: "fuck you... forget about it."
(later still)
him: "you know what would be a good idea? a class on how to talk to people. i think i need something like that. you really think giving a box of pens to that nurse would be bad? she's cute."
me: "no, it's a fantastic idea. i think you should do it. then you should go home and look for some local classes on how to unfuck your retard."
him: "i think they're both good ideas, so fuck you."

shift ended, and i'm pretty sure he's at wal-mart right now buying pens.

Haha, holy shit. Is this the same guy who got lectured about inappropriate gift offering or something like that while back?

[a world of no]

Same guy

[a world of no]

nurses love pens. it's odd, but i don't think it would get anyone laid.

[Blair]

No results found for "pens in nurses asses".

[riley-o]

"sure it might just be a placebo, but at least it's something !"

[Tony Twist]

I went to a grand opening event yesterday for a new business and they had bagels and cream cheese out. One of the guys that worked there was dumbfounded by the food provided. He picked up a bagel with the most confused look and said "So, I take this thing and spread this stuff on it?".

[riley-o]

"sure it might just be a placebo, but at least it's something !"

she consults her horoscope before making decisions.

seriously.

[riley-o]

"sure it might just be a placebo, but at least it's something !"

she consults her horoscope before making decisions.

seriously.

Please tell me it's not even one from some tricked out internet seer, but just one from the fucking newspaper.

it's the one from the free newspaper.

[Necrometer]

I've been wanting to start a band in whichever genre would be most fitting for a debut album called PLACEBIC OVERDOSE

welpcore?

[TF@work]

I've been wanting to start a band in whichever genre would be most fitting for a debut album called PLACEBIC OVERDOSE

welpcore?

All intros, no songs

Actual thing I actually read (to the best of my ability) by an actual human. Words I had to use best-guess-level interpretation marked by underlining:

Well I don't no because of of you you can to able to be cause if you can you can if water wather. John has to have a good time. It's water else you have to have to have anthrax. It doesn't meal enoughh.

[Geeheeb]

This FBAW asked if its possible to rotate a text box in word (it is, but text art is not compatible with the software that will rip the document for printing in the senate journal). Instead of accepting "no, its not possible" for an answer she tried to just get me to say "I don't know how to do it". The FB(AW) has tried this shit before but it was over a year ago, I remembered it after a bit so I asked her to hang on for just a sec, put her on hold for five minutes and came back and told her that gee golly whiz there might be a way to do that, but heck fire I don't know. Hopefully she wastes the rest of the afternoon trying to figure it out on her own. And hopefully she gets in trouble from her shit manager when the book fails at the rip, wasting prepress people's time.

[Ghost Dad]

"I'd call that beer a STOUT."

Dude was describing a RYE PALE ALE I gave him, and yes he did pour it in a glass to drink it.

What an asshole. Did you correct him?

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

I've been wanting to start a band in whichever genre would be most fitting for a debut album called PLACEBIC OVERDOSE

welpcore?

All intros, no songs

[Dick Meriwether]

lulz

[soiled depends]

real fucking lame-ass doctors!

[EEEOOOEEEOOOEEEOOO]

A medical student started a cover band. He wants to play next week. He told me he'll need a hall that holds "at least 700 people" for the "gig". He knows the his bandmates and him can move at least 100 tickets just to their family and friends and of course the entire medical school will be there, and then there will probably be a "buzz" thanks to his facebook postings so 700 is pretty conservative. He really doesn't want anyone to be left out in the cold, he doesn't want to "fail because of too much success, you know?"

God dammit. This actually pissed me off.

[Blair]

Well cubesman, looks like the only right thing is to find the gentleman a premium venue with a 700 person capacity that would be eager to help make his dreams come true...

[Blair]

...I remembered it after a bit so I asked her to hang on for just a sec, put her on hold for five minutes and came back and told her that gee golly whiz there might be a way to do that, but heck fire I don't know. Hopefully she wastes the rest of the afternoon trying to figure it out on her own. And hopefully she gets in trouble from her shit manager when the book fails at the rip, wasting prepress people's time.

Is there a technical term for the people who will only accept a negatory response after you disappear for 5 minutes?

[Blair]

Oh god, that was routine when I worked at a grocery store. Go into the warehouse, have a drink, check out the girls, kill some time, come back.
"Nope, the delivery that they call me into the back to receive over the intercom and doesn't ever show up this early did not magically appear...."

My favorite was "Yes we do have milk with a later expiry date, but if I bring it out nobody will buy the older stock"
"I WANT TO TALK TO THE MANAGER"
"Sure... but the manager is who told me to not bring out the new milk."

[Blair]

Oh fuck, entitled consumers who believe the are a puppetmaster whose demands must be obeyed

A common routine:
"Tell the manager you need to carry XXXX"
"Sure, but I'm pretty sure we won't"
a week passes..
"You still don't have XXXX" with a strong subtext of "You betraying asshole!"

I ended up just saying "The manager's office is right there, you should just cut out the middleman and go to the top of the totem pole" i.e. you can be butthurt at him instead of me please...

[Blair]

Well cubesman, looks like the only right thing is to find the gentleman a premium venue with a 700 person capacity that would be eager to help make his dreams come true...

I'm so tempted to encourage this dolt.

"700? Pffft. I'd say anything under 1,000 would be in total danger of leaving out some of the rabid fans that will no doubt want to hear you play 'Rosanna' by Toto poorly."

"As an old hand at the rock'n'roll game I'd suggest booking your concert on a Tuesday night so people don't have scheduling conflicts..."

[Blair]

Customer: "Why is this so expensive!!!"

Me: "They pay us a decent wage and we have a good medical plan?"

Also: "I could do that, but than the manager will be mad at me."
"I WANT TO TALK TO THE MANAGER"
"His office is right there..."

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

Well cubesman, looks like the only right thing is to find the gentleman a premium venue with a 700 person capacity that would be eager to help make his dreams come true...

I'm so tempted to encourage this dolt.

"700? Pffft. I'd say anything under 1,000 would be in total danger of leaving out some of the rabid fans that will no doubt want to hear you play 'Rosanna' by Toto poorly."

"As an old hand at the rock'n'roll game I'd suggest booking your concert on a Tuesday night so people don't have scheduling conflicts..."

For me, Tuesday or Wednesday nights are easiest for me to attend a show because I'm off work those nights. But no one plays shows on Tuesdays because real world people have real world jobs during the week.