Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread

[hipster holocaust]

Septic tank's backed up at work. The basement smells like absolute death and I hear the plumber and his assistant rummaging around in the filth:

*plop plop plop*...check this out...woo! they got some serious fuckin' nut eaters here...*SPLASH* WOO GOD...

It sounded 2 or 3 times better with a thick CT accent

[Ghost Dad]

Not work but school:

http://kitchel.net/pics/audio25.mp3

this is part of an audio lecture, skip to 3:04 in...

NO RESOLUTION TO THE MYSTERY, AND SHE FUCKING ANSWERS A TEXT MESSAGE AND DIDN'T EDIT THAT OUT. (This is from an mp3 extracted from a powerpoint for an online pharmacology class).

"My theory is...some people live on the edge...uh...some people really like to help people, even if maybe they don't need help...uh there's always many theories as to what it could be..."

What does this even mean?

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

U.S. Americans and THE IRAQ is what it means.

[From Blintzes to Crepes]

This isn't so much a "dumb thing I heard at work" as it a "holy fuck that's fucking insane " thing

Girl at work calls me earlier today to see if I can cover her shift early for her but doesn't give me a reason why. I assume one of her kids is sick or something. I could not have been further from the truth. She was called in by NCIS and SDPD regarding her knowledge of a suspect in a murder investigation because the suspect is her former neighbor of 7 years. Here's the news story regarding the investigation.

Marine questioned about missing North County woman

FALLBROOK, Calif. -- A search intensified Monday for a 22-year-old North County woman who disappeared over the weekend under suspicious circumstances after getting together with an active-duty serviceman, who was later jailed on an unrelated weapon charge.

The last known sighting of Brittany Killgore of Fallbrook was about 5 p.m. Friday, according to sheriff's officials.

Investigators believe that Killgore, whose estranged husband is deployed on combat duty overseas, was with 45-year-old Louis Ray Perez, a Marine based at Camp Pendleton, just before she went missing, Lt. Larry Nesbit said.

"Based on our investigation to this point, we believe there is a strong likelihood Brittany is the victim of foul play,'' Nesbit said. "Today we are deploying sheriff's search-and-rescue units to assist in locating Brittany.''

The effort to locate the woman was centered on the area of De Luz Canyon, north of Fallbrook, the lieutenant told reporters.

On Sunday, detectives arrested Perez on suspicion of possessing a stolen AR-15 assault rifle. Perez, who was being held at San Diego Central Jail on $500,000 bail, had been uncooperative with investigators handling the missing- person case, Nesbit said.

At the time of her disappearance, Killgore was wearing a dark-purple evening gown with shiny floral patterns on it. The brown-eyed brunette, who is 5 feet 7 inches tall and weighs about 130 pounds, may have traveled to the Gaslamp area of downtown San Diego that night, officials said.

Nesbit declined to discuss the suspicious circumstances surrounding Killgore's absence and would not comment on the nature of her relationship with Perez.

The woman filed for divorce last week, according to court records. Her Camp Pendleton-stationed husband, Cory, reportedly is serving a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
Anyone with information on her whereabouts was urged to call the Sheriff's Homicide Detail at 858-974-2321.

[Deadhouse]

A medical student started a cover band. He wants to play next week. He told me he'll need a hall that holds "at least 700 people" for the "gig". He knows the his bandmates and him can move at least 100 tickets just to their family and friends and of course the entire medical school will be there, and then there will probably be a "buzz" thanks to his facebook postings so 700 is pretty conservative. He really doesn't want anyone to be left out in the cold, he doesn't want to "fail because of too much success, you know?"

Did you ever find out what the actual turnout was? I am sure the dude would have all kinds of rationalizations as to why they didn't bring in 700+.

[kelly]

This guy thinks his OJT will somehow magically convert into a Bachelor's degree. In reality, the training can in some cases be used towards an electives credit or two. He does not understand. He goes on to say well hell he's got so much training that there's enough left over to give to his wife so she can also have a Bachelor's degree.

[Black Jacques]

There are a couple law firms on the floors above my office so I'm in the elevator every day with these fucking cunty lawyers.

"Well there's this place in Austin that will put one of those custom carbon-fibre bodies on it so I might ship it down there"
"Oh? how much does that cost?"
"Eh, about $70K includinhg transport"
"Pfff.. cheaper than a new car"

[Zap Rowsdower]

"In Europe and other countries..."

That's not so offensive. It's like saying Benelux instead of Belgium, Netherlands and Luxemburg when referring to a common area.

Then again, I don't know this person.

[ibn Horowitz]

"Well, humans can't pilot the alien ships, and besides we have a galactic reputation for violence, so the aliens have created hybrid beings that will be able to teach the rest of us to fly the saucers. They call them Star Children."

On a vision he had at church:

"It was a huge fireball, which I think means there will be a super-volcano eruption. It's the only thing that could affect the whole earth. The next part of the vision was a burnt tree, symbolizing climate change."

"You don't believe in 2012?! You gotta do some more reading."

[Wehttam]

There are a couple law firms on the floors above my office so I'm in the elevator every day with these fucking cunty lawyers.

"Well there's this place in Austin that will put one of those custom carbon-fibre bodies on it so I might ship it down there"
"Oh? how much does that cost?"
"Eh, about $70K includinhg transport"
"Pfff.. cheaper than a new car"

ugh this is repulsive

to be fair, the car that he's getting the custom carbon-fibre body on could be worth $120,000, so then yes, it would be cheaper than buying a new one.

[featherboa]

Client I just spent 3 weeks of 16 hour days in Korea complained to my boss about my "heart not being in it"
+ He told them get fucked
- in a diplomatic way

[Jesus H Dump]

"You mean I have to pay you my deductible? DO you offer a payment plan?"

Me:"That's OK, I'll just hold on to your car until its paid in full. And oh, by the way, Your rental is due back by 5PM today. Have a nice weekend."

[a world of no]

guy i was partnered with yesterday was discussing "metal" with me, as we were listening to 70's judas priest in the truck, when he dropped a couple of gems:

"i thought disturbed was the heaviest thing in the world until i heard nightwish."

"so i bet you really like insane clown posse."
"what the fuck?? no! what the hell makes you say that?"
"isn't that shit metal?"
"fuck no... it's angsty white hip hop for retards."
"wow. i did not know that. i thought it was metal."

[Necrometer]

after getting an email for people at the university who hadn't signed some stupid patent agreement, I am now getting a new email every five minutes from the subhumans who either can't figure out not to reply to the whole list with their "I don't have to sign this" reply, are yelling at everyone not to reply-all, or actually think it's funny to make "jokes" about how it's impossible to prevent the inevitable reply-all...

seething with hatred

[\m/Johnny\m/]

"It's my week to clean the bathroom... where do you keep the urine pies?"

[kelly]

Group of dudes discussing beer:

"Dogfish Head is disgusting, and they ferment it 30 minutes until it basically has to be scraped up"

"America sucks at making beer - they make some good ales but not beer"

[Necrometer]

garden gnome guy with eunuchvoice trying and failing to send a fax in here, making me insane

BEEP BEEP BEEP CHIRP BEEP

DIALTONE

EE OO EE OO EE OO EE OO

WE'RE SORRY YOUR CALL CANNOT [etc]

fuck

[The Torsion]

Here's a fun little exchange I got to overhear..

Carpenter Foreman (to Apprentice Carpenter #1): Hurry the fuck up, Junior!

Apprentice Carpenter: Instead of Junior, could you call me "J-Dawg"?

Carpenter Foreman: How 'bout I fuckin' call ya "Chihuahua"?

Apprentice Carpenter: Call me "Chi-Chi".

Ex-Con Journeyman Carpenter: In jail they'd call the punks "Chi-Chi".

Carpenter Foreman: Chi-Chi it is!

[danox3]

Co-Worker "SO, they were happy with the shippment?"

My Boss "Oh they were happier than Clams in Shit!"

[BUNGVOX]

co-worker: gawd why don't we ever have any pens around here.

me: because we work in a rehab clinic which is why i always bring my own and keep it on me, you should try it some time.

co-worker: [acting as if she didn't even hear me] t had to write with a highlighter pen. thanks for not leaving yours for me.

me: and that's precisely why i still have a pen and you're writing a note with a highlighter like a 5th grader.

*she doesn't work there anymore.

[Geeheeb]

haha, what is the mailbox size limit?

[takeasneededforpain]

garden gnome guy with eunuchvoice trying and failing to send a fax in here, making me insane

BEEP BEEP BEEP CHIRP BEEP

DIALTONE

EE OO EE OO EE OO EE OO

WE'RE SORRY YOUR CALL CANNOT [etc]

fuck

You should record this sound, and add WUBWUBWUB, become the next dubstep All-Star.

[TF@work]

Entry violates standard of "heard" because it's written; also it's way more sad than infuriat--you know what I'll just say it

Here's a handwritten note from a client:

I rough want I could the other I din't unstand

Harold

I feel like I need a hug

[Deadhouse]

For some reason we were talking about music at work.

Me - ..I'm not really into punk except for the Misfits and some of the Ramones stuff..."

Co-worker 1 - "Wait, the Ramones are considered a punk band? Since when?"

Co-worker 2 - "I always thought the Ramones were an alternative band like Korn."

Co-Worker 1 - "Yeah when you say punk I think bands like Green Day..."

[Deadhouse]

maybe you should talk about the mpls henry's instead.

I don't know enough about scarves and ironic facial hair to have a valid opinion.