Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread

[Hossana]

Some female clerk at a gas station: "Does the United States have a Canadian quarter ?"

[Natas]

brother-in-law was heard on the phone asking the chrysler dealer if they could "install" rolling or auto windows on the side of his new van or install hvac vents in the back of the van. Because his wife wants them and wasn't there when he bought it.

[featherboa]

[\m/Johnny\m/]

was someone keeping a puppy in the break room?

[featherboa]

nope
i think someone got some coffee grounds on the floor one time so

[featherboa]

gonna put some puppy pads in ridiculous places as soon as the coast is clear

option b is to piss on them

[nick]

"They make more than one kind of dictionary, right? They can't possibly fit all the words there are in that little dictionary. So, what do teachers do if they only have one dictionary and a kid asks a question about something that's not in that dictionary?"

[danox3]

From the Boss

"Why He's happier than a clam in shit!"

"My wife, she goes out and picks her Father up, just to bring him back to our house, then has to bring him back home again. You know how much gas that is? I don't know why I have to pay for it, it's not like he's MY father in law."

[kelly]

A full grown adult:

"I failed my driving test yesterday. It was only one mistake but it was an instant fail and doesn't make a damn bit of sense ... It was because I didn't look over my shoulder when I changed lanes ... I'm sorry but I'm only concerned with what's in front of me"

[Ghost Dad]

A full grown adult:

"I failed my driving test yesterday. It was only one mistake but it was an instant fail and doesn't make a damn bit of sense ... It was because I didn't look over my shoulder when I changed lanes ... I'm sorry but I'm only concerned with what's in front of me"

Pix 2 prove

[godofdeadlydeath]

"I really loved this ring my boyfriend and I were shopping for. It was $475, but then my sister told me he should be spending 3 months worth of salary on an engagement ring, so I told him I didn't like it anymore. He should be spending like ten times that much for an engagement ring, right?" - girl who sits 2 desks away from me, on the phone this morning

[Syringe in Mouth]

Marketing Person: *walks into my office* "I couldn't download the attachment you sent. I would like to look it over and proof it."
Me: "Oh, well I can print it out for you right here"
Marketing Person: "No thanks, i'd like you to email it again to me so I can print it out and make corrections."
Me: "But...you said you couldn't...Look, I can print it in a sec and-"
Marketing Person: "Please just email me it. I can print it, take it home, look it over, and give you changes tomorrow."
Me: "But...I can give you the attachment without you printing it and-"
Marketing Person: "Please email it to me again. Thanks!"

....

[godofdeadlydeath]

Marketing Person: *walks into my office* "I couldn't download the attachment you sent. I would like to look it over and proof it."
Me: "Oh, well I can print it out for you right here"
Marketing Person: "No thanks, i'd like you to email it again to me so I can print it out and make corrections."
Me: "But...you said you couldn't...Look, I can print it in a sec and-"
Marketing Person: "Please just email me it. I can print it, take it home, look it over, and give you changes tomorrow."
Me: "But...I can give you the attachment without you printing it and-"
Marketing Person: "Please email it to me again. Thanks!"

....

Just don't email it to her and then act surprised when she comes back and asks you for it.

[takeasneededforpain]

Accounts Payable:
"How do I make an Excel file?"

Yes, you read that correctly.

[Syringe in Mouth]

Speaking of technology impaired, dude called in IT the other day because he couldn't figure out why his emails weren't sending. Turns out he was putting the web address in instead of an email address.

[featherboa]

controlling office manager lady at work. sorry there's so much setup.

we moved buildings about a month ago because we outgrew the old place. ever since we moved i have had a bunch of Gear setting on a cardboard box on the floor because i didn't have a table to put it on. we had this old tiny coffee/end table and it had been sitting in the center of the giant conference room as a joke until we got an actual conference table in there. i came back from lunch today and the coffee table is next to the dumpster, so i bring it inside my office and get rid of the box. she saw me bringing it in and was like no no no no. then she shows up with a TV tray, and is like, Use this. Whatever. I move the gear to the TV tray and put a laptop on the coffee table next to it. I leave the office for a few minutes and I come back, and the table is gone. The laptop is precariously stacked on the other gear, on a TV tray. Then there's a like 30 minute discussion on what kind of table i want/need. Answer: I don't care. Her excuse for all this is she doesn't want the new place to "look like a bachelor pad"

so she went home for the day and then my boss walks by and says,
-why is all that shit stacked up on a tv tray like that?
-someone took my table and stacked everything up like that
-who took your table?
-you know who took my table

he just goes GRRR and walks away

I get home and realize I have an almost identical coffee table at my house and that I'm going to bring it in on friday. heh heh heh

[Cascade Whore]

controlling office manager lady at work. sorry there's so much setup.

we moved buildings about a month ago because we outgrew the old place. ever since we moved i have had a bunch of Gear setting on a cardboard box on the floor because i didn't have a table to put it on. we had this old tiny coffee/end table and it had been sitting in the center of the giant conference room as a joke until we got an actual conference table in there. i came back from lunch today and the coffee table is next to the dumpster, so i bring it inside my office and get rid of the box. she saw me bringing it in and was like no no no no. then she shows up with a TV tray, and is like, Use this. Whatever. I move the gear to the TV tray and put a laptop on the coffee table next to it. I leave the office for a few minutes and I come back, and the table is gone. The laptop is precariously stacked on the other gear, on a TV tray. Then there's a like 30 minute discussion on what kind of table i want/need. Answer: I don't care. Her excuse for all this is she doesn't want the new place to "look like a bachelor pad"

so she went home for the day and then my boss walks by and says,
-why is all that shit stacked up on a tv tray like that?
-someone took my table and stacked everything up like that
-who took your table?
-you know who took my table

he just goes GRRR and walks away

I get home and realize I have an almost identical coffee table at my house and that I'm going to bring it in on friday. heh heh heh

Please let us know if you actually do this and she thinks you dug the old coffee table out of the trash again and she ends up throwing out your own coffee table.

[Geeheeb]

Lold for a solid minute at that dude.

[Foot Foot]

"what does "CHECK SHELVES" mean?"

- lady looking up a book on the library's computer system.

[pooptastik]

"Fuck this president, we should have a king."

[Wormholegenerator]

R. I. P.

[Blair]

I see an obese woman crammed into a wheelchair trying to reach something in one of the coolers. Being a solid citizen I walk over and ask if I can help her get something.

a solid citizen would have rolled her into the trash compactor.

[Blair]

Aside from her being a go-tard, those people who have some OCD fixation on the imaginary "better product in the back" are in need of a good stiff gassing for the betterment of society.

[Blair]

"Look, I do the receiving here, I'm the guy who has to drop everything and check the delivery when more of that product does actually arrive here. That delivery driver is always late and always arrives at the last possible minute. But I can go in the back and kill some time in the warehouse if seeing me walk back there and than come back will make you feel better."
At the end I ended up just saying that pretty much every time.

[Blair]

"You asked me to drop everything and go in the back and get you some of the bannanas from the back and now that I got them for you you don't want them? Never ask me to do that again."