Fuck You-- Pizza

[hipster holocaust]

what in the sam hill is that

[The Wages of Ben]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Douglas_Wells

[gasoline y2k]

home made pizza is the shit, if you do it right...

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Oh, hey man-- that's nice school lunch pizza.

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If you're going to drop a bomb that heavy, leave a recipe in the rubble.

[Necrometer]

Can't believe you talked shit on his pizza, Geoff! It looks just great. I want to bite his crust.

[zzzzzzzz]

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woooooow I've been wanting to see that forever but never got to it. If you ever have a bomb strapped to you and can't get it off, the cops will put you at a distance then point guns at you until you blow up.

[Necrometer]

I'm not saying yours doesn't look way better, but his looks better than most frozen or delivery chain pizzas, and the guy actually went out of his way to make it. The dough looks handmade, too - I am assuming it is.

[Necrometer]

Eh, I've had pizza with dough that looked like that and was still totally tasty. I guess I was confused - didn't realize "Fuck You -- Pizza" applied only to gourmet pizza!

[Necrometer]

I forgot I was dealing with [love-]drunk pisscubes - carry on!

[gasoline y2k]

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Make your own dough or buy some, which ever. If you buy it, let it sit out at room temp for a while.

Start with the sauce:

mince 3 cloves of garlic and a shallot. Then either but 4-5 fresh tomatoes in a food processor or get a can of good crushed tomatoes.

sweat the garlic and shallots in olive oil over medium heat. Don't brown. Get them translucent. Add a pinch of dried red pepper flakes and toast them with the garlic and shallots. Toss in a little bit of red wine and let it cook for a minute or two. Then add your tomatoes and some salt. Add some fresh oregano and let it simmer for like 20 minutes.

Roll out your dough nice and thin. Put a spoonful of sauce in the middle and spread it with the back of the spoon-- not too much sauce, people. Just a bit. Only enough to make the dough a kind of red. You don't want thick sloppy amounts.

Take some fresh basil and chiffon it and toss it on top of the pizza. Then take some fresh mozzarella and slice it thin and put it on the pizza. Brush the edges of the crust with olive oil.

Pre-heat your oven as hot as it will go. For the love of fuck, get a pizza stone. Fuck pans. Let the pizza stone heat up in the oven. Put the pizza on a peel with some corn meal. Now slide the pizza on the pizza stone.

Cook it until the cheese is bubbling and the crust is browning.

Remove the pizza. Grate some fresh Parmesan on it. If you have some really good fancy high end olive oil-- drizzle it on the pizza.

Good show. That's about how i've been doing it - except canned stuff / powdered garlic / non-fresh oregano. I bet the shallots really make the difference. What's your dough recipe / technique (I do not have a processor - all by hand).

I've been using the water / flour / sugar + yeast / bit of salt and pepper. I can't seem to get my crust to brown up on the top around the outside like that. It's cooked, but no huge (awesome) rise with air pockets. I need a stone.

Fuckin' pizza. I'll master you.

[Bored, Esq.]

Pizza Recipe

Ah...this sounds fucking outstanding. I will have to make it.

[Bored, Esq.]

Eh, I've had pizza with dough that looked like that and was still totally tasty.

It looks like some kind of Bisquick pizza...perhaps a Jiffy pizza crust mix. Scary shite.

[hipster holocaust]

Oh, hey man-- that's nice school lunch pizza.

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you can wash this down with my cumshot

[jakebonz]

Gonna chime in here and make one suggestion Geoff. Take it from someone who made pizza for a living through high school and someone that would have customers ask if I was working that night because my pizza was that damn good:

Never ever put sauce out further than the cheese. Put the sauce as far out as 1 inch from the edge of the pizza. Your cheese, however, should cover the entire pizza. Don't worry, you'll still get a nice crust to hold on to by doing this.

Why do this? The sauce is a very slippery thing. If your melted cheese is only sitting on top of sauce, chances are your cheese will either stick to the other slices as you pull it away from the rest of the pizza or it will slide right off with the first bite. By putting the cheese out past the crust, you allow the cheese to stick to the crust itself, thus greatly reducing the chance of losing all your cheese in one bite.

[jakebonz]

It's all good. I'd still eat yer pizza. Just sayin...for next time.

Also, I've mentioned this before, but there is a pizza joint not too far from me that uses only diced tomatoes as a sauce and relies on topping the cheese with the stuff that usually goes into the sauce. The heat of the wood-fired brick oven they use makes them mushy and almost sauce like. However, this method creates a delightful sweetness in the pizza from the basically unprocessed tomatoes.

[hipster holocaust]

that was the first pizza i had ever made, and it came out pretty damn good for making home made sauce and home made dough. granted i wouldn't have dropped 20 bucks on it but fuck it. plus i made about 6 or 7 for a punk show i had at my house last year and the drunk punx gave me props.

[hipster holocaust]

oh yeah pc, how much was your pizza stone? the ones ive seen have been pretty damn expensive for something i would be using once or twice a year.

[hipster holocaust]

oh yeah pc, how much was your pizza stone? the ones ive seen have been pretty damn expensive for something i would be using once or twice a year.

Mine was a gift from mom. I totally agree with you that they are too expensive though. I saw an episode of Good Eats where Alton Brown went out and bought an unglazed tile from a hardware store for a few bucks and used it as a pizza stone though. Look into it!

[Bored, Esq.]

Never ever put sauce out further than the cheese. Put the sauce as far out as 1 inch from the edge of the pizza. Your cheese, however, should cover the entire pizza. Don't worry, you'll still get a nice crust to hold on to by doing this.

Goddamit, man. You're not dealing with amateurs here.

[the awesome Assassin]

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[Mr. Budd]

Oooh look at me, I'm doing eating pizza.



















/fired

[father of lies]

I apologize for the AES quality piccture but:



HEY GUYS DID YOU ET TWO AMAZINFG GIANT PIZZAS, WITH BROCCOLI AND RED ONION, AND HOT GIARDINERA AND ARTICHOKE HEARTS, DELIVERED AT 3AM? FOR $25? NO YOU DIDN'T

[riley-o]

broccoli on a pizza. you got drunken 3am pizza and you got broccoli on it.

you fucking asshole.

[father of lies]

broccoli on a pizza. you got drunken 3am pizza and you got broccoli on it.

you fucking asshole.

o,m drunk and don't eat meat. Don't hate Rolley.

[Mr. Budd]

I apologize for the AES quality piccture but:



HEY GUYS DID YOU ET TWO AMAZINFG GIANT PIZZAS, WITH BROCCOLI AND RED ONION, AND HOT GIARDINERA AND ARTICHOKE HEARTS, DELIVERED AT 3AM? FOR $25? NO YOU DIDN'T

No, I never have. You're not allowed to come back to Chicago now.

[jakebonz]

Never ever put sauce out further than the cheese. Put the sauce as far out as 1 inch from the edge of the pizza. Your cheese, however, should cover the entire pizza. Don't worry, you'll still get a nice crust to hold on to by doing this.

Goddamit, man. You're not dealing with amateurs here.

Ok now. Maybe Im not reading it right, But I cooked pizza for 5 years or so (and not at Papa dildos Corner Shit shat) in school and still make Pizza from Scratch constantly at home and My number one rule (If I am making a pizza with sauce and cheese) is to put BOTH sauce and cheese over the entire dough, because When you bake it with good dough the crust will puff up and give you that good Crust around the cheese/sauce.

That's one mans opinion here pal.

Oh, I'm not worried about crust here. I'm just sayin' that if you extend the cheese a wee bit further than the sauce, it will stick better to the pizza. Every grab a slice and have all of the cheese and toppings stay in the box, leaving you with a slice of saucy bread? Just tryin' to prevent that, mens.