Expensive-looking 50 Shades of Grey thread of mommy-porn

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

Ahahaha. Okay, rad. He mocks her well.

[Zerohero]

That one's a ZH original, for the record.

nah, plagerism sir. Plagerism.

it's from Fran Furnivall's fun for the whole family book "Shack Ups"


I didn't even add in the slob or asparagus lines.

[Necrometer]

Nice!!! I actually attempted some statistics of my own, but the "copy" took so goddamned long I didn't want to explode my computer with a "paste". Murmur was the one I wanted to look up... constant fucking murmuring. And sure enough it's the winner with 199 fucking instances. I didn't think whisper would be such a contender with its 195 counts.

[Whiffleball Ace]

I've been through an MFA creative writing mill. Ugh.

Haha. Me too man and it certainly was not Columbia, Stanford or Iowa. Necrometer's excerpts have drilled a hole into the dark space where I locked away all memory of feigning interest as some EL James type tearfully mumbled her "first boyfriend" memoir.

Also, IMO, "it is what it is" = Whatever (and/or Fuggedaboutit)

[Whiffleball Ace]

I'm now on to a new way of enjoying how terrible this is-- checking out the 1 star reviews on Amazon. The bafflement, rage and hurt coming from the people who spent money on this is awesome.

SPOILERSPOILER_SHOW

*UPDATE*: Thanks to the many other perturbed readers who have shared their own choices of the most annoyingly overused phrases in this masterpiece. Following up on their suggestions with my ever-useful Kindle search function, I have discovered that Ana says "Jeez" 81 times and "oh my" 72 times. She "blushes" or "flushes" 125 times, including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red." (I can't even imagine.) Ana "peeks up" at Christian 13 times, and there are 9 references to Christian's "hooded eyes," 7 to his "long index finger," and 25 to how "hot" he is (including four recurrences of the epic declarative sentence "He's so freaking hot."). Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line" 10 times. Characters "murmur" 199 times, "mutter" 49 times, and "whisper" 195 times (doesn't anyone just talk?), "clamber" on/in/out of things 21 times, and "smirk" 34 times. Christian and Ana also "gasp" 46 times and experience 18 "breath hitches," suggesting a need for prompt intervention by paramedics. Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 "grins" and 124 "frowns"... which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences "intense," "body-shattering," "delicious," "violent," "all-consuming," "turbulent," "agonizing" and "exhausting" orgasms on just about every page.

50 Shades of ... by Dr. Peter Mark Roget

[Spooky Apparition]

"His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something."

equally funny whether it's real or a parody

[riley-o]

getting married and pregnant

right after the spoiler warning and this one's out in the open !?!

I hate this pudding brain writer so much I can taste her blood splashing onto my lips as I carve my frustrations across her adam sandler face.

Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line" 10 times.

FUCK. Worst shit.

[Necrometer]

Hahahah Riley I sincerely hope you are not hurt by all these spoilers... but you've been touchy in the past

I hope your mouth has not pressed into a hard line

Geoff: I totally thought you'd cooked up that chocolate thing yourself. Even with all my exposure, I am shocked that's from the book!

My favorite review title:
Warning: You will not be able to unread this book if you decide to try it....

[riley-o]

I can't even tell you how badly I want to stomp her head until her eyeballs rupture and ear holes gush blood. I'm not even a psychopath or sociopath at all. i've just seen too much of what's taking place here and It would truly be a humanitarian act of selflessness for the species.

[Necrometer]

This is one of the most read authors of her generation. We truly are living in Idiocracy.

and we're only getting started...

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

This is one of the most read authors of her generation. We truly are living in Idiocracy.

It's depressing. Some of your wives and girlfriends are reading this. Making this woman a millionaire.

[Necrometer]

Ahahahaha...

Geoff I'm totally mailing your GF a copy of this book. What then? What then?

[riley-o]

My sister's the same way. I really want to send her a copy just to experience the outraged fury that would surely be the result.

[Necrometer]

Maybe it's my calling to make 50SoG fanfic where the prose doesn't suck... born to polish this celebrated turd...

[james]

brb editing vampires back into novel

[Necrometer]

My sister's the same way. I really want to send her a copy just to experience the outraged fury that would surely be the result.

I will upload the PDFs so that all may share in the dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something.

[Blair]

I sometimes read bad pulp sword & sorcery from the 60s/70s. Seriously bad shit, 130 page novels and the like by total unabashed hack writers. Stuff I find in the 50 cent barrel at the genre fiction store.

Stuff that nobody nowadays cares about.

This 50 shades of grey horseshit is far worse than any of that stuff I have read.

[Whee of the Dead]

My sister's working at a library and has been telling me that grannies have been devouring this shit.

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

My sister's working at a library and has been telling me that grannies have been devouring this shit.

It just got worse. Dusty pussies and shit writing. Let it end.

[james]

"Come to me my pet," he murmured, lips pursed. "I have something new with which to reveal the day."
I stirred, waking (perhaps for the first time truly) and my eyes saw his finger. It pointed forwardly, with a firm authority, towards the door which he had sternly forbidden for me to open. Rising from the clean white cotton mattress, my honey-blonde hair still amuss and noncombed from the prior night before, I stood.

"I believe that you will like what you will see," he offered, candidly. "I know that you were hurt by our words I shared you this past Tuesday." Today was Thursday. I glanced briefly at the ornate bedside calendar. Was he offering an apology?

Following his instructions, my hand found the cold brass doorknob, and turning it, I opened the door. What I saw was amazing.

Stretching before me a porch strewn with furniture. Its floor was stone, which was clean, and cool beneath my slipperless bare feet. A four-piece wicker patio set, cushioned thrones of desire encased in ornate woven bark, positioned in a ring encircling a spotless glass Smitwick Metal Patio Coffee Table, around which they stood.

"As a carrier of a Target RedCard," he explained clearly, "I am afforded certain wealthinesses. Free shipping when I invest $50 combined on eligible items across all categories, advance notice of sales. But these are mere trivialities. Nothing but baubles." He spoke as though these things meant little to him.

My eyes drifted, looking, noticing for the first time that thing which I had most overlooked, a guest in this secret outdoor chamber. I began to let out a gasp but my breath hitched and I stifled a cry, and quavered, mewling.

Sitting in the leftmost wicker 2-piece armless dining chair was Edward Cullen.

"I know that I can never know love as you know it. I can give you what you need," Christian said, speaking, "in many ways, but not in other ways. In the first ways I will always give you what you most desire. For the other ways I have invited into our home that which you desire also most."

"But you must never," he whispered firmly, with a quiet masculine hiss, "make love to him. For even though his love may trump my crop," his voice betraying not a quaver or hitch, "he is a vampire."

I thought quietly to myself. I had feelings about the patio, but I didn't talk about them.

[Necrometer]

dude

[ibn Horowitz]

amuss and noncombed ... beneath my slipperless bare feet...

these little touches really put it over the top

[Necrometer]

"As a carrier of a Target RedCard," he explained clearly, "I am afforded certain wealthinesses. Free shipping when I invest $50 combined on eligible items across all categories, advance notice of sales. But these are mere trivialities. Nothing but baubles." He spoke as though these things meant little to him.

This is where I came apart, as my inner goddess rapidly opened the FedEx package she'd taken a half-day off from work to make sure she would be home to receive, tore the plastic film off the copy of Kevin Smith's criminally underrated Jersey Girl, slid it into her half-brother Ethan's PS3 system, and learned the hard way that the movie was $2 on Amazon only because it was an HD-DVD.

[huh.]

Jeez...why was she not allowed to pee?

[Necrometer]

Jeez...why was she not allowed to pee?

I was intrigued as well but unfortunately there's no payoff there... she just gets cuffed and he gives her tit-hickeys while they fuck - no watersports of any sort

I guess it's a "plot device" in that after they fuck she falls asleep and the next section starts:

A pressing need from my bladder wakes me. When I open my eyes, I’m disorientated.