Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread

[neckbeard]

haha

--

I do not understand java. I wrote this little script to run on nodejs and then got asked to redo it as an android app...

public class MyActivity extends Activity protected XML @override x = Number.Integer(5.0)

[Megayak Now]

Not the dumbest thing i've heard, the dumbest I've seen. although, this guy does usually say the dumbest shit ever.

[Sgt. Pat O'Phile]

...uhh...we just dump all of that into an unorganized text field

[neckbeard]

Sounds like you need to start censoring letters back there

I yearn for you tragically. A. T. Tappman, Chaplain, U.S. Army

[Gunther]

I hope your boss gets hit by a truck, Pisscubes.

[jakebonz@work]

Because I work at a rather large place, I get sent out these "lessons learned" e-mails about other people fucking up. This has nothing at all to do with me, but it's basically the opposite of Mr. Cubes recent tale of woe (edited for various reasons):

(redacted) is a critical deliverable for the (redacted) Customer. There has been a lot of focus on assuring that the current (already late) schedules are met. Both (redacted) and (redacted) are involved in this complex design effort. A key part of this series of activities is pipe hazards analysis being performed by the (redacted) group in (redacted). All calculations related to the (redacted) (including the pipe hazards analysis) were scheduled to be completed by March 31, 2011 to support an April 30th Customer deliverable. (redacted) has recently informed (redacted) that the calculations cannot be completed until April 15, 2011, citing that they did not have clear understanding of the March 31 due date and/or the sense of urgency associated with this deliverable. (redacted) is being performed to focus on the mishap in communication that resulted in the (redacted) office not clearly understanding the March 31st due date and the associated urgency.

How do you not understand that when something is due on March 31st that it's actually due on March 31st and not two weeks later?

[pleasuretokill]

Not the dumbest thing i've heard, the dumbest I've seen. although, this guy does usually say the dumbest shit ever.

haha! Jesus! Please tell me that this guy doesn't operate heavy machinery, work alone at any time or make any decisions at your job.
Do you have a picture of him?

I picture his mouth wide open, teeth showing, with drool running down his shirt like a faucet.

[Ghost Dad]

One of my co-workers was talked into buying a smart phone for her 6 year old son (you may remember me saying how this gal got the kiddo a "30 flat screen for his room for x-mas [she doesn't make more than 28k/year]). She got into a fight with a t-mobile customer service rep (at work) because her phone bill is now 150$ a month for the two of them. Oh, her credit score is 520 ("it wasn't my fault"), which she frequently checks though multiple sites, which keys in her ss# to access...our computers have gotten multiple viruses over the years because my dipshit coworkers constantly visit spyware-infested sites. Then again, it's not like it would matter that much if someone stole her identity with a score like that.

I told her to stop spending so much money and checking her finances on the work computer.

[Ghost Dad]

Not the dumbest thing i've heard, the dumbest I've seen. although, this guy does usually say the dumbest shit ever.

haha! Jesus! Please tell me that this guy doesn't operate heavy machinery, work alone at any time or make any decisions at your job.
Do you have a picture of him?

I picture his mouth wide open, teeth showing, with drool running down his shirt like a faucet.

Personally, I've never liked leetus on my sand witches.

[Lord Beguile]

Some guy tried to explain to me that company safety programs are pointless. His reasoning is that you can't actually foresee or prevent an accident; they just happen.. at random. Without warning. Completely unavoidable.

[Ghost Dad]

Operating heavy machinery with your eyes closed: random injuries ensue.

[ratanda]

I told her to stop spending so much money and checking her finances on the work computer.

What was her response?

[Ghost Dad]

She changed the subject. Not a fan of sound advice. It's ok though, she's like a soap opera we get to watch for 12 hours.

[kmfcm]

this bitch bought 3 DVD players from Costco

here is her explanation:

"Costco lets you return anything in 90 days. i gotta see which one i like first?!?!"

[father of lies]

Not at work, but school:

We had a stupid activity that didn't count (and was insulting to my intelligence) Friday in my chemistry class. The girl next to me needed to write out formulas and use a calculator to figure out how many times you need to magnify a dime (.71 inches) to make it 7.1 inches. She started from the beginning, checked notes, and used a calculator to go from .71 to 71 in the next step.

Ugh.

[neckbeard]

school'll do that

[father of lies]

HEY GUYS WHAT'S 7.1/.71

[Broken Into Pieces]

HEY GUYS WHAT'S 7.1/.71

Pretty sure it's 10, dude.

Jeez, you're lucky I don't check this board from work, or I'd be posting your question as one of my answers...

[ratanda]

Not at work, but school:

We had a stupid activity that didn't count (and was insulting to my intelligence) Friday in my chemistry class. The girl next to me needed to write out formulas and use a calculator to figure out how many times you need to magnify a dime (.71 inches) to make it 7.1 inches. She started from the beginning, checked notes, and used a calculator to go from .71 to 71 in the next step.

Ugh.

Wow. What was the activity?

[Hypnagogia]

coin stacking 101

[jakebonz@work]

Hey, dipshit currently having the sneezing fit. You know what might be a good idea? GOING TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM AND BLOWING YOUR NOSE INSTEAD OF SNORTING THE SNOT BACK UP INTO YOUR SINUS AFTER EACH SNEEZE. THERE'S A REASON YOUR BODY IS TRYING TO GET RID OF THAT SHIT.

FUCK.

[ratanda]

I blow my nose right at my desk.

[Black Jacques]

I was eating in the foodcourt and some asshole was mad at his "fashion consultant"

I damned near dumped my hotdog on my Denver Hayes.

[Introvert]

I blow my nose right at my desk.

So do I! (at your desk)

I actually overhead someone asking a Vietnamese coworker if their family had been affected by the earthquake/tsunami. Either the person being questioned didn't hear the question or they are very tolerant of dumb hicks thinking all people from Asia are the same nationality.

[jakebonz@work]

Overheard (impossible not to) during a phone conversation between Mr. Sneeze fit and his wife:

"I walked away from my desk to take a phone call from the headhunter"



Hey, buddy, if you want to be all discrete about your search for alternative employment, WHY DON'T YOU BE A LITTLE QUIETER ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 45 MINUTES WHEN TALKING WITH YOUR WIFE?

I'm soooo happy this contract is over on the 31st.