The official Cilantro: FUCK IT thread
Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:46 pm
Inspired by the storm of hate brewing in the PC CHICK thread:
Last summer, my wife and I were in St. Augustine, FL checking out a bunch of old forts and shit when a huge raincloud opened up right above us. We took refuge in this total PC CHICK ORGANIC VEGAN LOCALLY GROWN POPSICLE SHOP. When we walked in, the dude behind the counter felt the need to give me a fucking ten minute briefing about the location of the shop, the history of the shop, the history or popsicles, the importance of locally grown, organic, vegan food and the importance of being a gauged-eared, tight-jeaned, bespectacled squirt of MANPUSS. Not intending to give any of my money to this palace of faggotry, I continually insisted that a) I only needed a roof to stand under for a few minutes so as to not be fucked by lightning and that b) popsicles of any sort are for soft-bellied, twig-armed twinks and that I would not be having one today or any day. He insisted that they featured a wide variety of flavors, some of which were so off-putting that even the baddest of dudes couldn't stomach them. Mostly shit with hot sauce or curry powder or some dumb shit. Unwilling to concede even a smidgen of defeat to this parasol-turned-flesh, I tell him to give me the weirdest, grossest, most vile creation they have, fully intent on choking this thing down like Joe Rogan was in the room and secretly hoping that it would truly be so gross that I could projectile vomit into his gaping mouth. He again gives me a ten minute dissertation on this god damn popsicle, how it's all vegan and organic and charitable and shit. I continue to visibly not care until he gets to the ingredients. It's avocado and banana and probably some other shit, but it's mostly jalapeno and CILANTRO. Apparently the 'tough' part is provided by the jalapeno, which if you're a giant pussy, can apparently be quite hot. This is not a concern. The cilantro however, immediately had me worried. As I see, many of you guys have already noted that cilantro is like incest in food form, and I hate that shit with more passion than I have ever loved anyone or anything. At this point though, I'm trapped. There's no way out, I've committed myself to this shit and even though cilantro is made of FOODAIDS, I'm at the point where a living cilantro creature could walk in the door and I would eat it to death just to spite this popsicle fairy giving me a guided tour of a fucking 10X10 room. So he hands me the 'sicle and it is just utterly overflowing with bits of cilantro. Whole leaves and shit. I'm fucking terrified. At this point, my hidden horror has become evident to my wife, and she is already planning on what to say and do when I am inevitably emasculated into oblivion by this godless frozen treat. I take the first bite and dudes...it is everything that is bad about cilantro intensified tenfold. It's like being waterboarded with laundry detergent. It's like doing a kegstand from a Waffle House mop bucket. It's like watching your parents engage in hardcore gonzo sex, then watching them kill each other. It's Vietnam in the form of a dessert. I choke through it in about four large bites and by the end I'm a red-faced, sweating, drooling, gagging fucking wreck. I'm out of breath, there's awful green ice-cum all in my beard and all over my shirt, dripping onto the tile beneath me. Everyone in the room is HORRIFIED. I look up to see my wife standing in front of me with her hands on her hips, nodding in approval and defiance to everyone else in the room. "Fuck this place", she says, and hands the dude a five dollar bill. She helps me to my feet and we stumble back into the storm, drunk on disgust. No one said anything as we disappeared into the maelstrom, instantly soaked. We made our way to the closest bar and proceeded to get absolutely shitfaced on top shelf scotch for the next three hours. I bought a framed picture of James Hetfield from a kiosk on our way back to the hotel and we fucked like wild beasts until consciousness was no longer a possibility . Haven't touched cilantro since.
Last summer, my wife and I were in St. Augustine, FL checking out a bunch of old forts and shit when a huge raincloud opened up right above us. We took refuge in this total PC CHICK ORGANIC VEGAN LOCALLY GROWN POPSICLE SHOP. When we walked in, the dude behind the counter felt the need to give me a fucking ten minute briefing about the location of the shop, the history of the shop, the history or popsicles, the importance of locally grown, organic, vegan food and the importance of being a gauged-eared, tight-jeaned, bespectacled squirt of MANPUSS. Not intending to give any of my money to this palace of faggotry, I continually insisted that a) I only needed a roof to stand under for a few minutes so as to not be fucked by lightning and that b) popsicles of any sort are for soft-bellied, twig-armed twinks and that I would not be having one today or any day. He insisted that they featured a wide variety of flavors, some of which were so off-putting that even the baddest of dudes couldn't stomach them. Mostly shit with hot sauce or curry powder or some dumb shit. Unwilling to concede even a smidgen of defeat to this parasol-turned-flesh, I tell him to give me the weirdest, grossest, most vile creation they have, fully intent on choking this thing down like Joe Rogan was in the room and secretly hoping that it would truly be so gross that I could projectile vomit into his gaping mouth. He again gives me a ten minute dissertation on this god damn popsicle, how it's all vegan and organic and charitable and shit. I continue to visibly not care until he gets to the ingredients. It's avocado and banana and probably some other shit, but it's mostly jalapeno and CILANTRO. Apparently the 'tough' part is provided by the jalapeno, which if you're a giant pussy, can apparently be quite hot. This is not a concern. The cilantro however, immediately had me worried. As I see, many of you guys have already noted that cilantro is like incest in food form, and I hate that shit with more passion than I have ever loved anyone or anything. At this point though, I'm trapped. There's no way out, I've committed myself to this shit and even though cilantro is made of FOODAIDS, I'm at the point where a living cilantro creature could walk in the door and I would eat it to death just to spite this popsicle fairy giving me a guided tour of a fucking 10X10 room. So he hands me the 'sicle and it is just utterly overflowing with bits of cilantro. Whole leaves and shit. I'm fucking terrified. At this point, my hidden horror has become evident to my wife, and she is already planning on what to say and do when I am inevitably emasculated into oblivion by this godless frozen treat. I take the first bite and dudes...it is everything that is bad about cilantro intensified tenfold. It's like being waterboarded with laundry detergent. It's like doing a kegstand from a Waffle House mop bucket. It's like watching your parents engage in hardcore gonzo sex, then watching them kill each other. It's Vietnam in the form of a dessert. I choke through it in about four large bites and by the end I'm a red-faced, sweating, drooling, gagging fucking wreck. I'm out of breath, there's awful green ice-cum all in my beard and all over my shirt, dripping onto the tile beneath me. Everyone in the room is HORRIFIED. I look up to see my wife standing in front of me with her hands on her hips, nodding in approval and defiance to everyone else in the room. "Fuck this place", she says, and hands the dude a five dollar bill. She helps me to my feet and we stumble back into the storm, drunk on disgust. No one said anything as we disappeared into the maelstrom, instantly soaked. We made our way to the closest bar and proceeded to get absolutely shitfaced on top shelf scotch for the next three hours. I bought a framed picture of James Hetfield from a kiosk on our way back to the hotel and we fucked like wild beasts until consciousness was no longer a possibility . Haven't touched cilantro since.
