Dumb things I've heard at work: The Thread

[Jesus H Dump]

Some old fuck: "yeah, I need to get this dent fixed. I bought that extended warranty when I bought this car"

Me:"Sir, the extended warranty only covers your car if there is a mechanical breakdown."

Some old fuck: "well its broken isnt it?"

Me:"No, this doesnt qualify as a mechanical breakdown"

over the course of this conversation I have killed this guy at least a dozen times in my mind.

[Introvert]

Not something said, but it's as dumb as you can get.

I just caught an employee (in their 50's) forging some medical certification forms. They claimed they had an injury and was out the full month of June. I got their medical forms and the handwriting on the form the employee fills out was exactly the same as the handwriting on the form that the doctor is supposed to fill out. I, as the employer, know my rights within medical privacy laws and was able to fax the forms over to the office they claimed the forms came from to verify authenticity. That office said the doctor, who's name had been the signature on the form, hasn't worked there in over two years and it wasn't even close to that doctor's signature and no one else in that office had filled out the forms.

Now we have to do a whole long-winded investigation that really isn't worth our time but this is kind of some serious shit.

Seriously, if you are going to be dumb enough to risk your job by forging legal documents, at least put a little creativity and research into it!

[Cascade Whore]

I once had an angry customer say: "(computer related) I want the thing!, that goes into the other thing!, so that it will do the thing I want it to do!, So I can do the stuff! Do you understand!?"

[Mr. Budd]

Next person to say "It is what it is" gets my weiner on their phone.

[bundlesofvitals]

Next person to say "It is what it is" gets my weiner on their phone.

Hahahah...I totally agree. A women in my office says that all the time and it's the ultimate "I have no words or information to fill this space" response.

[neckbeard]

There's a tech support guy within earshot. He's telling someone:

You have to put all the application icons on your desktop into a folder. If they are on the desktop they are using up RAM.

Excel never releases RAM until you reboot.

[jakebonz]

You have to put all the application icons on your desktop into a folder. If they are on the desktop they are using up RAM.

When I used to work tech support in college, I wish I would have told people that. Yes, it's totally false, but some people still think that their only storage solution for documents on a computer is on their desktop, resulting in a screen full of renamed temporary Word documents.

Excel never releases RAM until you reboot.

Maybe if they're running Excel '97 on Windows 95.

[Hypnagogia]

"Jimmy Carter claims to read the bible, but he hates isreal! he hates the place that wrote of a lot of the thing he claims to read!"

[Hypnagogia]

You have to put all the application icons on your desktop into a folder. If they are on the desktop they are using up RAM.

When I used to work tech support in college, I wish I would have told people that. Yes, it's totally false, but some people still think that their only storage solution for documents on a computer is on their desktop, resulting in a screen full of renamed temporary Word documents.

i don't think it's false, it's just that the icons use up so little ram compared to the multi-meg wallpaper image, that it doesn't matter.

...no?

[Hypnagogia]

"Jimmy Carter claims to read the bible, but he hates isreal! he hates the place that wrote of a lot of the thing he claims to read!"

Wow. Just. Fucking... wow.

some of the shit these brainwashed repubs utter here is just...yeah, I need to do better at keeping notes.

[Cryptoplasty]

"I feel that you could, like, teach a college class about all complex stuff in Donnie Darko."

[ungodlywarlock]

"....I bought that Grey's Anatomy game for the Wii....."

[ungodlywarlock]

that's not real... is it?

Sadly...
http://wii.ign.com/articles/961/961684p1.html

[death by snoo snoo]

little color'd boy: Mom, are we in a book store?

Mom: Yes.

little color'd boy: WHY are we in a BOOK STORE!?

[TheDrunkTankJudge]

Over heard about two minutes ago, one customer talking to another. While holding a cd in his hand the guys says to his friend,
"This here is a completation disc, it has a bunch of different bands on one disc."
Uh...

completation

This is not a typo?

No it wasn't a typo.
Today I heard a new variation. Today it was, "Yeah I'm supposed to pick up a compulation cd or something. It's got different peoples on it. Some days my job is just that worth it...

[Necrometer]

"I feel that you could, like, teach a college class about all complex stuff in Donnie Darko."

Hahahaha, today a coworker wouldn't shut up about how Phantom of the Opera is one of his favorite tales because it "really makes it tough - who will you side with? ALL the guys are partially bad..." This all started after he was talking about Monster's Ball and I said I'd never watch it because I was sure it was exploitative bullshit. "Oh man, it's really dark - it explores dark themes..."

[TheDrunkTankJudge]

This all started after he was talking about Monster's Ball and I said I'd never watch it because I was sure it was exploitative bullshit. "Oh man, it's really dark - it explores dark themes..."

Is that anything like a black comedy???

[jakebonz]

Oh god, too many gems in one short amount of time. I understand that not everyone is an audiophile, but if you're attempting to sound like an authority on the subject, at least try to know SOMETHING about the subject you're talking about. Have to paraphrase the convo:

"I got 3 speakers, now that's surround sound"

"My buddy spent a grand on a Bose system, now that's real surround sound"

"Some surround sound systems even go up to as many as 4 speakers"

"My system has a total of 5 speakers: The wooooofer, the center channel - you know, the one that goes in the middle - two more speakers by the TV, and two more speakers behind me"

"Now, when you move those two speakers to the back, you know, behind you, then you really have surround sound"

"Yeah, I can really tell when I'm watching the news"

[Necrometer]

Oh god, too many gems in one short amount of time. I understand that not everyone is an audiophile, but if you're attempting to sound like an authority on the subject, at least try to know SOMETHING about the subject you're talking about. Have to paraphrase the convo:

"I got 3 speakers, now that's surround sound"

"My buddy spent a grand on a Bose system, now that's real surround sound"

"Some surround sound systems even go up to as many as 4 speakers"

"My system has a total of 5 speakers: The wooooofer, the center channel - you know, the one that goes in the middle - two more speakers by the TV, and two more speakers behind me"

"Now, when you move those two speakers to the back, you know, behind you, then you really have surround sound"

"Yeah, I can really tell when I'm watching the news"

Hahahaha at that guy!

I've always been happy with to loud speakers (not in my TV).

[jakebonz]

The "I'm an expert" tone of voice caught my attention, the "some can have up to 4 speakers" got me typing.

[Necrometer]

"If you have two speakers and sit between them spinning around on a swivel, chair, that's really surround sound."

[thürstön.3®®0®]

I'd never watch it because I was sure it was exploitative bullshit.

wha?

really, how can you even know without seeing it?

[Necrometer]

I'd never watch it because I was sure it was exploitative bullshit.

wha?

really, how can you even know without seeing it?

I can't be sure, but really who cares? Halle Berry can't act and anything that wins her an Oscar must be stacking the deck. Not interested.

[ratanda]

This one lady at work shows us a simplified map of Atlanta similar to this, where the black lines represent freeways.



She goes on and on about how she can't read that, and how can they expect anyone to read that, and I wanted to ask, "You mean a MAP???"

She's not sure if there are 50 or 52 states.

She claims to not be able to read aloud the name "Kelvin," but I think this is more due to fear of embarrassment from mispronunciation. She should be more embarrassed that she looks like she can't read.

[death by snoo snoo]

I had a guy call in today looking for LL Cool J's Platinum Workout. He seemed very disappointed when I couldn't find it for him.