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I never knew him personally...but I responded to his posts for over a decade, nearly two

life's horrific burden was bearing down on me during all those years...scrambling for meaning, sometimes responding to his posts

if I had known he was close to suicide, I would've tried to stop him...

my life is now pinned to godawful, mind-shattering back pain that can't be tested by MRI... I think I have spinal stenosis and I have metal in my back so I cannot be tested

hurts so goddamn bad that you cry like a monad of pain...crying out, alone, paralyzed

2 times recently I have wanted to kill myself just to relieve pain

I really feel bad that he died...but I am quite sure that life is merciless

fucking agony

I have cried while thinking about Erik

I broke my leg twice in the same place. I have tens of screws up my lower leg and many plates. Hardware after surgery always hurts.

Nobody attempts suicide.

I have had many friends kill themselves including the Gorguts Obscura drummer Steve.

If you can't stand the pain, maybe death is better.

I have never contemplated suicide. There has always been medicine there for me to take.

Erik maybe needed some meds. Some people think meds are a PITA or embarrassing to talk to their doctor. Some can't afford them or basic health care. Some are in consumer debt, ect...

The USA is a pretty fucked up place for public health.

I would never want to keep Erik13 alive just to selfishly make myself feel better. If he's better off dead then so be it.

I'm not sure if that's why Erik died, I was just thinking about how much pain I've been in lately... I did not talk about how rare it is, truly strange...to come across a certain person that you agree with on so many things...

If we really believe in science, and on the other side if we believe in the sanctity of life...it's horrifying

this is why people used to build mounds

I know life is cheap...but I suppose I believe in some sort of spiritual connection. If it was just matter, it would be no different than stepping on a roach

I think there is something in human life that goes beyond just material. and that is why Erik's death is bothering me

I refuse to believe that human life has no spiritual connection

Chad, we all have a model of the world around us in our minds and update that model constantly with new information. When something changes permanently it will bother you.

It means that you are not in control of your environment, and that is unsettling.

Erik13 on the other hand is brain dead at this time. He does not know or care either way.

He did not descend to hell or ascend to heaven as some take comfort in thinking.

Just stating the facts here.

chrisinLA wrote: ↑Wed Apr 28, 2021 5:29 pm Chad, we all have a model of the world around us in our minds and update that model constantly with new information. When something changes permanently it will bother you.

He has back pain, not autism you absolute gumball fuck.

CHAD I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID SO I MADE A LITTLE MODEL WITH MY LEGO MEN AND TWO OF THEM HAD BLUE HATS AND THE ONES I HAD IN MY IMAGINATION PALACE HAD ONE RED HAT AND ONE BLUE HAT, IT WAS HARD, I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH NOW.

IT GETS BETTER

chrisinLA wrote: ↑Wed Apr 28, 2021 5:29 pm Chad, we all have a model of the world around us in our minds and update that model constantly with new information. When something changes permanently it will bother you.

It means that you are not in control of your environment, and that is unsettling.

Erik13 on the other hand is brain dead at this time. He does not know or care either way.

He did not descend to hell or ascend to heaven as some take comfort in thinking.

Just stating the facts here.

all of my extended family is dead...I had to process their deaths the same way. It's almost like I'm trying to work out a narrative...but I don't think that's weakness.

I think the true weakness would be considering that just another life gone.

I think it's more meaningful to question greater narratives and wonder why a person meant so much to us. or even just to me

there will come a day when no life means anything...in fact, we live in the weirdest world ever

I believe in something higher than what's in front of my face... I believe in the strength of narrative

I knew enough about Erik to know that he was decent and he wanted people to see him, and he must have been in some deep misery to kill himself

Chad wrote: ↑Wed Apr 28, 2021 5:39 pm

chrisinLA wrote: ↑Wed Apr 28, 2021 5:29 pm Chad, we all have a model of the world around us in our minds and update that model constantly with new information. When something changes permanently it will bother you.

It means that you are not in control of your environment, and that is unsettling.

Erik13 on the other hand is brain dead at this time. He does not know or care either way.

He did not descend to hell or ascend to heaven as some take comfort in thinking.

Just stating the facts here.

all of my extended family is dead...I had to process their deaths the same way. It's almost like I'm trying to work out a narrative...but I don't think that's weakness.

I think the true weakness would be considering that just another life gone.

I think it's more meaningful to question greater narratives and wonder why a person meant so much to us. or even just to me

there will come a day when no life means anything...in fact, we live in the weirdest world ever

I believe in something higher than what's in front of my face... I believe in the strength of narrative

I knew enough about Erik to know that he was decent and he wanted people to see him, and he must have been in some deep misery to kill himself

Different things and people in each person's mental model of the world around them has different weighted value.

Loss and collective loss is inheritly selfish.

Erik13 won't possibly know the difference.

" and he must have been in some deep misery to kill himself "

Now he's not.

by that logic, his life never meant a thing

I propose a different logic...one in which people like myself feel a lot of things about someone's life, we appreciate their pain from a distance... And we regret we did not address it

I feel like his life had inherent value. Beyond what he could see, just by virtue of being who he was. I wish that he could have thought that enough to fend off suicidal despair.

Peoples ideas change moment to moment and that's the truth.

If he had lived another week who knows what might have happened to reinvigorate his desire to live

Chad wrote: ↑Wed Apr 28, 2021 6:10 pm by that logic, his life never meant a thing

I propose a different logic...one in which people like myself feel a lot of things about someone's life, we appreciate their pain from a distance... And we regret we did not address it

I feel like his life had inherent value. Beyond what he could see, just by virtue of being who he was. I wish that he could have thought that enough to fend off suicidal despair.

Peoples ideas change moment to moment and that's the truth.

If he had lived another week who knows what might have happened to reinvigorate his desire to live

Chad, the fact that you're musing your lost opportunity to turn someone's life around and prevent them from ending their agony when you only knew them from an Internet bb is a pointless adventure.

Use whatever power is in that brain of yours to do something more constructive.

ultimately, none of this matters

we few knew him, and have the intelligence to imagine others who cared about him

it's hard to imagine what actually matters until you confront ... whatever

I am trying to fondly remember him, long after he's gone

if you actually believe in science this is so unpredictable that you almost have to believe in...something beyond

I wanna beat off.

That pain sounds terrible Chad but your logic regarding death and suicide is baffling. Either life means nothing or it doesn't. How one gets there shouldn't have much bearing on that.

Sometimes I think that if there is any moral-value binary good/bad, it should start at alive/dead. Even for people who see no external source from which to derive objective values, there could be an internal source, which might be the rules of being an alive human... 1/alive = good, 0/dead = bad. Sharing alive with other people is the basis of all subsequent good, knowing other people dead is the fundamental bad.

Losing other people is terrible, and people who believe that there is any value in keeping the plates spinning would feel that very deeply. Chad I will PM you soon.