skid row journal reeelapse death pool champ

[Scumfucker]

This is gratuitous live journal jimmy buffet shit but some of you maybe mildly mused. I guarantee I'm number one in the reeeelapse death pool

I sleep from 6am to 9:30am. Don't matter with no job. I walk to one of my regular homeless free food line called the hippy kitchen. It happens to be by the infamous Gladys park ( dope spot where lookouts yell clear when the cops are gone and its safe to deal. This happens all night every night) To walk there you walk past the Midnight Mission. The streets smell like piss and there are hundreds of homeless out. am asked "cavi" 5 times on the way there. I stand in line for 10 minutes and get served lentils with ham, fresh salad, a buttered bagel and buttered French bread piece. I eat and go to the hippy kitchen clinic where they give me a multivitamin, antacids, and condoms. On the way back walking home there are Christians giving out free heroin cookers and splitters to promote not sharing the same cooked to avoid hepc/ aids. I grab a cooker cos you never know when you might need one. As I pass the Midnight Mission I see a white crack head begging a crack dealer for 2 bucks worth of crack and being obnoxious so the dealers homie punched him I'm the stomach hard and dropped him. Them he kicked his face fucking soccer style. The guys fave splattered with blood. He managed to pop the dudes eyeball and break his nose. They yelled at him to get the fuck away and he was crying bloody saying he couldn't see. He wandered in front of traffic and around the block. Dude left a trail of blood and the ambulance came by. I hear sirens every fucking night. Only ended up smoking weed and taking a xanax today along with my psych medsaxil and buspar. This is not quite as bad as the crack and heroin I did last week. Or the crystal method I did the week before that.




I am nu,Ber 1 in the reeelpse death pool. Ever since the. Nervous breakdown this is what I've devolved into. True insanity is not just hearing voices, but being able to have coherent conversations with the voices. Or hallucinating shadow people floating in your room. I'm on section 8 and food stamps. I will sign up for bash welfare benefits on Apr 1st. I will get $200 bucks in monetary methadone a month. $70 extra for a bus pass I probably won't buy. Food is free everywhere. All that money can go to rent $62 bucks a month ( lol, no joke). Then $50 for a phone bill. That leaves me with $158 in cash and 200 in food stamps. I then sell 100 in stamps for $50 bucks. So that's $258 to play with with no job. I reached my childhood dream of having no responsibilities. My major problem in life is "don't have too much fun". For me too much fun could mean me being Jason Molina or my close friend Erik who overdosed the day before the super bowl. No job, plenty of food and shelter. I do whatever I want whenever I want with the few bucks I have. I sleep whenever for how ever long I want. I play videogames and play on the net and read great books and hang with great friends every day.

I went to a recovery meeting on xanax and realized that even though this bottom feeding freedom is fucking amazingly great in ways, if I didn't get high I would get bored and get a job and move on to bigger better things or at least get a good job and be a productive person in the hood. But let's face it, chances are the drugs will probably win or I'll get killed in random violence or robbing. Or bad karma for being a college graduated waste of space on welfare.

Death pool champ. I challenge someone to die sooner.

[Cascade Whore]

This is a man that could use some support PM's

[kelly]

lol, he says, no joke.

[Chigurh]

What does "cavi" mean?

[Friendly Goatus]

how do you make 250 bucks last for a month? I'd have spent that much in a couple days binging at my worst.

[james]

Potential for best thread in ages. I never get enough of reading about this shit.


I have a bunch of questions if you don't mind answering.

1. What is your housing situation? I assume you don't fuck with shelters or anything, and I'm taking your 'section 8' comment to refer literally to your crib - is this correct?

2. Access to technology and the internet - this is sort of a sub-question I suppose, but where do you get internet access? Do you have your own computer or do you use someone elses? Open wifi?

3. Do you consider yourself an addict? Do you have a general drug of choice, or anything besides psychiatric medication that you are primarily dependent on?

[james]

What does "cavi" mean?

crack

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

What caused all this to happen? Did drugs lead you down this path?

[MeatGrease]

The dutkos could take notes from this fucking chump.

[postaddiction]

At first I thought this was stuff from the past that you were transcribing because you have seemed "over it," from what little I actually know about you, but I suppose this is present day. I hope you make it through all right, man, unless you want to die. I mean, good luck and God bless. I feel you on the "college graduated waste" thing. Interesting read, though, so thanks for sharing.

[Honky Kong 64]

Please don't die. I need you to make more posts like this. Thanks in advance.

[krudmonk]

find a hippie commune

[Gay for Cock]

Man, you just can not kick out a section 8 person. It takes forever.

[\m/Johnny\m/]

Man, you just can not kick out a section 8 person. It takes forever.

Not to mention the clean-up... it's like a fucking crime scene.

[Thrashmaster Flash]

I hope you can figure out a way to change your life, man. I know it's impossible for someone who's never been an addict to engage in a dialogue about addiction because "you haven't been there so you can't possibly understand what it's like, etc." but the solution honestly seems so fundamentally simple to me that I can't believe that human physiology is the only thing stopping people from getting out of this life. I suppose the only way I can relate is in terms of normal depression—when you're very depressed it actually feels good in a weird way to stay depressed; but at some point you have to just stop being an asshole and stop being depressed. I know it's not that simple in real life, but it really does seem like it is, doesn't it? I can usually tell when I'm being a piece of shit, and while that may not be motivation alone to do things differently (unfortunately), I at least have the realization that the solution is, in fact, extremely simple and hinging solely on whether or not I want to execute it.

Wish I could contribute more here, as I hate to watch people go down this way. It's happened to friends of mine, and it never turns out good. Also, my apologies for not tossing in some sort of snide, mocking post instead of this serious one!

[canon.docre]

but at some point you have to just stop being an asshole and stop being depressed

you lack a basic understanding of severe depression, or mental illness in general.

[Raw Ting]

sometimes people just have to fucking grow up and stop having AIDS

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

Scum, are you depressed? When I get depressed it usually takes the form of derealization/depersonalization. I don't feel sad at all. i just don't feel real, like I'm outside my body looking over my own shoulder, reacting to things a second too late, in a world that is nonsense, and where there are no real benefits to any decision, so I have trouble making them. For me, it's the absence of emotions. If you're depressed, what sort of depression symptoms do you have? Anything similar?

I think you made this thread because you know your situation is bad. That's what I'm going off of.

Can you get off the drugs? Is it at all possible to get some treatment? You're not going to be able to get yourself out of your current situation while under that.

[doubleblumpkin]

The thing about schizophrenia and/or schizoaffective disorder is that he has 2 options: don't take antipsychotics and feel alive at the cost of literally everything OR take antipsychotics and feel absolutely 100% numb and have a baseline existence that seems socially acceptable. There's no point in having a job or paying bills or having a partner or having your family in your life if you are more numb than Steven Hawkings' ball sack. He's taking Paxil and Buspar, an antidepressant and anti anxiety, but no antipsychotic, for a very important reason, he wants to feel alive. The drugs and alcohol are the closest thing to medication somebody like him can attain. The "best" medication they have for psychosis is a fucking joke and is akin to chemical lobotomy. Until the medical profession truly understands schizophrenia and how to treat it, this is the best kind of existence a sufferer can hope for. Cheers Scumfucker, good luck.

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

The thing about schizophrenia and/or schizoaffective disorder is that he has 2 options: don't take antipsychotics and feel alive at the cost of literally everything OR take antipsychotics and feel absolutely 100% numb and have a baseline existence that seems socially acceptable. There's no point in having a job or paying bills or having a partner or having your family in your life if you are more numb than Steven Hawkings' ball ball ball sack. He's taking Paxil and Buspar, an antidepressant and anti anxiety, but no antipsychotic, for a very important reason, he wants to feel alive. The drugs and alcohol are the closest thing to medication somebody like him can attain. The "best" medication they have for psychosis is a fucking joke and is akin to chemical lobotomy. Until the medical profession truly understands schizophrenia and how to treat it, this is the best kind of existence a sufferer can hope for. Cheers Scumfucker, good luck.

Oh shit, this is true about Scumfucker? He has schizophrenia? Well, this goes way beyond depression.

Scum, are you able to hold down a job? I just want to see you away from such a dangerous area.

Yeah, good luck, brother. I support your decision to live without the antipsychotic drugs, if that's what you truly want. It's your life.

[a world of no]

sometimes people just have to fucking grow up and stop having AIDS

this is pretty funny.

[doubleblumpkin]

Oh shit, this is true about Scumfucker? He has schizophrenia?

I'm just guessing based on this:

True insanity is not just hearing voices, but being able to have coherent conversations with the voices. Or hallucinating shadow people floating in your room.

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

Oh, I thought you personally knew the guy.

People brag about hearing voices all the time just to be edgy. Is he diagnosed? Is this a byproduct of all his drug use?

[soiled depends]

Sometimes when my wife wants to go out for a nice salmon dinner and I'm more in the mood for a ribeye, I get fairly sad as well.

Also, she took the van to work, leaving me with the 200 to drive all day. I guess that was more anger than sadness, but believe me, I understand how you feel...

[Raw Ting]

that's actually really thoughtful of you, soiled. the board could use more empathetic humanitarians like you.