skid row journal reeelapse death pool champ

[monsterod]

I know my life is spiraling out of control too. I spend up to twenty, sometimes thirty, dollars on a single night at the bar. And I do this 3-4 nights a week. of course that's not enough, so I pick up a 12-pack on the way home. and cigs. and sometimes I talk to a guy for a lil somethin else too. I drink and smoke every fucking night. I know I'm as good as dead any day now, but I just don't care.

I just don't care.

[Raw Ting]

when I wear certain shorts my package puffs out and is very noticeable, it's strange. anyway I have noticed hoe's at the gym looking at my junk sometimes, not necessarily in a sexual way, but like what the fuck dude why's your junk all out. anyway I refuse to do anything about it. but it is really bothersome to see someone looking at your junk, possibly releasing pheromones and fucking up my set when I get a whiff. Life isn't fair, brother

[ThePhillyExperiment]

[FVBTVS]

[\m/Johnny\m/]

[MeatGrease]

I feel like I live in a Coen brothers movie.

[The Torsion]

You sound like you know what you're doing. They're giving it out, you might as well take it.

[Scumfucker]

Potential for best thread in ages. I never get enough of reading about this shit.


I have a bunch of questions if you don't mind answering.

1. What is your housing situation? I assume you don't fuck with shelters or anything, and I'm taking your 'section 8' comment to refer literally to your crib - is this correct?

2. Access to technology and the internet - this is sort of a sub-question I suppose, but where do you get internet access? Do you have your own computer or do you use someone elses? Open wifi?

3. Do you consider yourself an addict? Do you have a general drug of choice, or anything besides psychiatric medication that you are primarily dependent on?

1. I am on section 8. Part of why I know I'm a bottom feeder. I've been on the streets and shelters before. Basically I have a room and bathroom. No kitchen. $62 a month. Los Angeles housing authority covers the remainder of 700 bucks.

2. WiFi. I used to hit the library. Now I steal Starbucks WiFi mostly or friends who have it in their building.

3. I'm am addict. It will probably kill me. I used to be a tweaker on speed. Then I had a nervous breakdown that made me allergic to speed and it causes me to break out in crazy rashes so I don't do that anymore. I no longer have a drug of choice. Drugs of choice plural. I don't use every day. I even go to recovery meetings regularly but they only mildly seem to help. I'm going to line tonight. My ideal high is heroin mixed with crack. Also weed. That's how I know I could easily die.

[Scumfucker]

how do you make 250 bucks last for a month? I'd have spent that much in a couple days binging at my worst.

I don't use every day. I don't go on 100 dollar binges. You can buy 5 bucks worth of crack or heroin down here. You can buy a joint of weed for 1 dollar here. I take weeks off and then always have these slips. Most heroin addicts die cos they are clean and take too much over mix it with xanax.

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

3. I'm am addict. It will probably kill me. I used to be a tweaker on speed. Then I had a nervous breakdown that made me allergic to speed and it causes me to break out in crazy rashes so I don't do that anymore. I no longer have a drug of choice. Drugs of choice plural. I don't use every day. I even go to recovery meetings regularly but they only mildly seem to help. I'm going to line tonight. My ideal high is heroin mixed with crack. Also weed. That's how I know I could easily die.

Can you make pretend that you're allergic to ALL drugs?

I should write a book; I'd help a lot of people.

[Scumfucker]

What caused all this to happen? Did drugs lead you down this path?

Drugs and a stereotypical broken heart leading to serious nervous breakdowns and the psych ward. You have lost it when the voices can talk intelligently back to you and you can carry on conversations. That stopped but I'll always be on meds to prevent this type of breakdown. Sometime I'll post about the worst nervous breakdown where cops cuffed me cos I wouldn't leave 7/11 cos I thought "they" were trying to kill me.

[Angry Vint]

[Friendly Goatus]

Well that's good that you can go for weeks sober. Give your body time to heal. A damn sight better than most addicts.

[Scumfucker]

I slept til 6pm cos I can. I taught myself to fly while dreaming if I realize I'm dreaming but it only lasts a minute or so before I wake up. I'm going to a free food line across from union station in downtown LA and will be back later. Scum lifestyle


Weepsk

[Mooretician]

Pathetic.

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

Scum, now that you're over your heartbreak, it's time to get your life in order. Are you ready for the first step?

[\m/Johnny\m/]

I don't use every day.

I thought you said you were on methadone. Maybe I misunderstood.

[Scumfucker]

I know my life is spiraling out of control too. I spend up to twenty, sometimes thirty, dollars on a single night at the bar. And I do this 3-4 nights a week. of course that's not enough, so I pick up a 12-pack on the way home. and cigs. and sometimes I talk to a guy for a lil somethin else too. I drink and smoke every fucking night. I know I'm as good as dead any day now, but I just don't care.

I just don't care.

It's hard to care when you get to a certain point. I respect your honesty. After a while you try to care not for your own life but for family and friends who you might be hurting. At least you pay for your own booze. That makes you a level up from me.

I'm not schizophrenic. Schizoaffective mildly perhaps. Most of my psychotic symptoms are because of brain damage from LSD, PCP, and speed, and ecstasy. The drugs I try to avoid. 95% of the voices are gone. 100% of the voices I was talking to are gone. I'm glad cos I had a black woman and white wigger in my head talking to me for a while. If I kept fucking around with speed, I would surely become full blown permanent schizo.

Today I woke up at 6pm after neat flying dreams. Then I ate my leftover lentils and ham. Then I browsed the net and went to a food line. Walked over a bridge where at least 20 tents of homeless live. They served sausage chopped on Spanish rice, salad, three pieces of bread, and a raspberry pastry. Then I hit up a Save Our Selves meeting on the way home (like AA without holding hands, praying, or god). Now there's no way I'm gonna sleep tonight without lots of benedryl.

I used to have a pretty neat book I was writing but when my friend overdosed in my room the day before the Superbowl I got paranoid and deleted the whole book. The coroner told me before she took his body from the hall "I spoke to security and you may have to move out". They don't approve of people using subsidized public housing for drug dens. Enough time has passed with no consequences so there's a good chance I can stay here. I'm so poor that I smoke tobacco out of a pipe. The tobacco is saved from the blunts I smoke. Ha.

I've let myself go to a degree where my whole existence seems altered. I used to loathe downtown and the poverty but after some time, now I have learned to feel a degree of comfort, freedom, and even happiness in this fucked up world. This message board is one of my last connections to intelligent life. I'm sort of content doing nothing a lot of the time. I have a friend in recovery (a bad alcoholic who used to work at square soft. He helped make final fantasy7). He asked me if I would be content to do nothing if I stayed sober. The answer is obviously no.

Re: methadone, I'm not on it. I said monetary methadone = welfare. What keeps thousands of us bottom feeders continually circling the airport of life without going anywhere. Also, its hard to not be a roman in Rome.

I am living the life of a child who refuses to grow up. There's worst things than being a nobody. At least I don't hurt people and I have paid plenty of taxes in the past. I got fired from my job at the Staples Center and Nokia Theater cos the night before the Emmy's, I could not say no to the speed and PCP the night before. When half of LAPD was at my job I wigged out and left.

Even though I have plenty of fun, I am pretty conflicted and feel like I know better and should not be living like scum. This gets me depressed. But i'm not sure sometimes whether i really want better or if it's society's pressure making me feel ashamed. Then I remember the other type of depression one gets from working 40+ hours a week in a job I hate. That's even worse to someone like me. That's why I refuse jobs I hate. My last job was getting paid to watch concerts and pro sports. I'm privileged and lucky to get away with this lifestyle even though it's most people's version of hell.

If my arms heal enough, I will go to donate plasma and buy a bag of something. How evil is it to know you are this addicted but unable to stop? I know I'm a piece of shit. When I first put my location as skid row and named myself scumfucker, I didn't mean it. Then prophecy has been fulfilled.

I could go on forever about the craziness down here which is now normal to me. I no longer have much shame left.

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

Scumfucker, you really are at a low point. But I think you are in a mental zone to experience great existence-shattering art. What movies are you watching right now. More importantly, what are you reading? If you're not going to lift yourself out of where you are, you might as well utilize the unique situation and pack it full of great things.

[Scumfucker]

Scumfucker, you really are at a low point. But I think you are in a mental zone to experience great existence-shattering art. What movies are you watching right now. More importantly, what are you reading? If you're not going to lift yourself out of where you are, you might as well utilize the unique situation and pack it full of great things.

It probably doesn't help to read Thomas liggoti's A Conspiracy Against the Human Race. I'm reading Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power. I'm reading Uriah Faber's book. I'm reading some HP Lovecraft too. I have plenty of books on my queue. Will write one too.

Movies, nothing special lately. I do tend to like films that support my less than cheery disposition like von trier movies.

[james]

Scumfo, I'm loving this thread man. You should write down as many of your experiences as you can here. I'll read it all.

[Kurt Russell's Beard]

Scumfucker, you really are at a low point. But I think you are in a mental zone to experience great existence-shattering art. What movies are you watching right now. More importantly, what are you reading? If you're not going to lift yourself out of where you are, you might as well utilize the unique situation and pack it full of great things.

It probably doesn't help to read Thomas liggoti's A Conspiracy Against the Human Race. I'm reading Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power. I'm reading Uriah Faber's book. I'm reading some HP Lovecraft too. I have plenty of books on my queue. Will write one too.

Movies, nothing special lately. I do tend to like films that support my less than cheery disposition like von trier movies.

Skip the Ligotti book! Ha ha! You'll just overdose and end it.

I wonder what you'll think about The Brothers Karamazov. It felt like every few pages I ran into a stunning insight.

I think you should write a book. But don't write it about drugs and shit. Don't explicitly write what you know, that's dumb; what you know will obviously seep in and inform anything else you write. I think you should write some badass detective mysteries, like, a guy who does stakeouts for cheap in the ghetto and has to do it under the table because he's on disability and other detectives try to stake him out on his stakeouts to get him busted. And there's dames always trying to screw him over.

[Spooky Apparition]

95% of the voices are gone. 100% of the voices I was talking to are gone.

so.... serious question. what voices are you ignoring right now?

[james]

I think you should write some badass detective mysteries, like, a guy who does stakeouts for cheap in the ghetto and has to do it under the table because he's on disability and other detectives try to stake him out on his stakeouts to get him busted. And there's dames always trying to screw him over.

hahahaha you're already trying to coach him into pitching this as YA with planned sequels

[soiled depends]

I think you should write a book. But don't write it about drugs and shit. Don't explicitly write what you know, that's dumb; what you know will obviously seep in and inform anything else you write. I think you should write some badass detective mysteries, like, a guy who does stakeouts for cheap in the ghetto and has to do it under the table because he's on disability and other detectives try to stake him out on his stakeouts to get him busted. And there's dames always trying to screw him over.

this is good advice...