Why did Ronald McDonald get aids

[Necrometer]

i don’t understand this thread

[Necrometer]

why do go-getters prefer tit-fucking and anal?

can-do attitude

[hipster holocaust]

Guy from 1912:

TITANIC JOKE

What did the billionaire do when a submarine guy told him he can be involved with a $250,000 remake of Titanic?

[hipster holocaust]

What do you call half a dozen rich people at the bottom of the sea

[cxwx]

What do you call half a dozen rich people at the bottom of the sea

A good start!

[cxwx]

What do you call half a dozen rich people at the bottom of the sea

A can of smashed assholes.

[cxwx]

[cxwx]

What did the Israelis solider say when asked why they shot a pregnant woman.

"The fetus was in Hamas."

[a world of no]

Two nuns were riding their bikes down an old road in a small English village. One nun says the other "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun glances over at her and replies "It's because of the cobblestones."

[hipster holocaust]

At Thanksgiving my dad was talking to me while my mom was behind him bitching about something he did/was doing

Maintaining eye contact with me he paused, finally asking “…why do men die before women?”

Me: …?

“…because they want to…”

[cxwx]

"Why did the lady who was nine months pregnant go to the pizza parlor"

"Because they had free delivery?"

"No, because it was Comet pizza and she was selling her new born to sex slavers"

[Eight Bit Alien]

Comet ping pong

[The Bill]

[cxwx]

A guy walks in a bar with an octopus and tells the bartender "I bet you $100 this octopus can play any instrument in the join"

The bartender says "you're on, put him at ya piano" and the octopus plays a nice rendition of Beethovens' 9th"

"Alright, pay up"

"Hold on a minute" says the bartender and grabs a guitar

The octopus tunes a few pegs and plays Classical Gas

"Oh yeah? How bout this" says the bartender and hauls out some bag pipes from out of a closet

The octopus seems befuddled and is pulling each pipe up and down slowly

"Guess your squid ain't so smart after all is he, can't play that huh?"

"Play it?" Says the octopus

"I'm gonna fuck her if I can get her damn pajamas off."

[cxwx]

How do you titillate an ocelot?

[Geeheeb]

Beethoven's 9th is like an hour+ long though. I feel like this really stretches my suspension of disbelief.

[cxwx]

Beethoven's 9th is like an hour+ long though. I feel like this really stretches my suspension of disbelief.

Not the whole thing, just a few bars.

Anyways, you oscillate it's tit a lot

[cxwx]

You wake up in the middle of the night to a stranger covered in blood standing over you

"I just killed your entire family."

"Uuhh.. I don't live with my family."

"Who were all those people with guns I just killed."

"There were people in my house in the middle of the night with guns?"

"I just saved your life."

[Necrophilic Mallard]

Did you hear about the guy who liked to jerk off to feet?
He thought he was jerking to Scarlett Johansson’s feet but turns out it was Elizabeth Olsen’s.

He got off on the wrong foot.

[cxwx]

A woman had a snoring dog and heard if you tie a ribbon around its balls in its sleep it will stop. So she tied a blue ribbon around its balls. Her husband came home drunk and passed out snoring loudly. She thought to herself maybe this will work on him too and tied a red ribbon around his balls while he slept. The next morning the husband wakes up hung over and dazed to see himself and his dog both with ribbons around their balls one red and one blue. He says "I don't know what we got up to last night but I'm glad we came in first and second."

[cxwx]

Cluster's widow wanted to have a painting commissioned based on eye witness accounts of his last words. She was very unhappy with what she received.

"Why is this a painting of a bovine with a halo and wings surrounded by indigenous people having coitus?"

"Didn't you hear? The last words your husband yelled were 'holy cow, look at all these fucking Indians!'."

[ghost boner]

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

Cameron Diaz

[Eight Bit Alien]

Hahahahah that took me a minute

[postaddiction]

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

Cameron Diaz

[cxwx]

Hahahahah that took me a minute