A formula for orthodox black metal
Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 7:24 pm
“Orthodox” black metal is very popular at the moment, though is rapidly reaching saturation point if it hasn’t already done so. The likes of Watain and Ondskapt have signed to major labels (relatively speaking, that is) and there are countless imitators of the imitators.
Scientists at the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail have been studying this tiresome phenomenon since about 2004, and have discovered a succinct formula and breakdown of “orthodox” black metal (concentrating on the main Swedish exponents), which is as follows:
Dissection + Mayhem 1989-1993 + misused Latin + random bible quotes x “orthodox” image + 70’s heavy metal/rock + any old random shit (artist’s choice) = orthodox black metal.
The Institute’s experts have also calibrated a detailed breakdown of “orthodox” black metal in terms of percentages:
25% (the trve) Mayhem, 25% Dissection, 10% random shit, 20% image, 10% Marduk, 5% homosexuality, 5% tracing paper.
The scientists also noted that the percentage quota may vary slightly between individual bands, especially in the case of Mortuus (of Marduk) aka Arioch’s band Fragrant Mist, where the “random shit” percentage may be as high as 60-70%.
Dr. Marcus She-Ra, head of the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail said: “Bands like Watain, Ondskapt and probably Ofermod, who started this whole thing in the first place, had a certain potential, but they did not live up to it. Our research indicates that these so-called ‘orthodox’ bands do not really understand how an album like ‘De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas’ is constructed and merely seek to emulate it in as simple a way as possible, adding other random elements to widen audience appeal or just because the artists are fucking idiots. In other words these bands know how to appeal to the aesthetic sensibilities of 2nd wave black metal fans, however musically they only graze the surface without ever attaining the heights of their influences. In short, I would say ‘orthodox’ black metal on the whole is nothing but a sham, creating a very marketable product sourced in the kvlty aura of former underground teen-idols like Watain, but having no deeper essence or meaning. It’s all about the image, baby.”
When asked, the Watain camp refused to comment on the research, but did state that they had a lot of merchandise available (beer bottle openers, belt buckles, fan boy picture disks for each member of the band etc), hilariously quoting the following from the Temple ov Watain website:
Remember that wearing Watain merchandise means showing your support towards a divine form of art that has been and will always be rightfully feared and hated by humanity. It is a sign of loyalty or belonging to the hungry ones, the fearless and feared, the enemies of the world as we know it. Support the War!
http://www.antihumanism.com/
Scientists at the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail have been studying this tiresome phenomenon since about 2004, and have discovered a succinct formula and breakdown of “orthodox” black metal (concentrating on the main Swedish exponents), which is as follows:
Dissection + Mayhem 1989-1993 + misused Latin + random bible quotes x “orthodox” image + 70’s heavy metal/rock + any old random shit (artist’s choice) = orthodox black metal.
The Institute’s experts have also calibrated a detailed breakdown of “orthodox” black metal in terms of percentages:
25% (the trve) Mayhem, 25% Dissection, 10% random shit, 20% image, 10% Marduk, 5% homosexuality, 5% tracing paper.
The scientists also noted that the percentage quota may vary slightly between individual bands, especially in the case of Mortuus (of Marduk) aka Arioch’s band Fragrant Mist, where the “random shit” percentage may be as high as 60-70%.
Dr. Marcus She-Ra, head of the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail said: “Bands like Watain, Ondskapt and probably Ofermod, who started this whole thing in the first place, had a certain potential, but they did not live up to it. Our research indicates that these so-called ‘orthodox’ bands do not really understand how an album like ‘De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas’ is constructed and merely seek to emulate it in as simple a way as possible, adding other random elements to widen audience appeal or just because the artists are fucking idiots. In other words these bands know how to appeal to the aesthetic sensibilities of 2nd wave black metal fans, however musically they only graze the surface without ever attaining the heights of their influences. In short, I would say ‘orthodox’ black metal on the whole is nothing but a sham, creating a very marketable product sourced in the kvlty aura of former underground teen-idols like Watain, but having no deeper essence or meaning. It’s all about the image, baby.”
When asked, the Watain camp refused to comment on the research, but did state that they had a lot of merchandise available (beer bottle openers, belt buckles, fan boy picture disks for each member of the band etc), hilariously quoting the following from the Temple ov Watain website:
Remember that wearing Watain merchandise means showing your support towards a divine form of art that has been and will always be rightfully feared and hated by humanity. It is a sign of loyalty or belonging to the hungry ones, the fearless and feared, the enemies of the world as we know it. Support the War!
http://www.antihumanism.com/
