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Do you think you'll be alive in 5 years?

Cascade Whore wrote:Do you think you'll be alive in 5 years?

In 5 years, I'll be doing significantly better or probably dead. I found out my friend mike did die by falling off the roof of his building. His brother and everybody that knows mike think he was murdered cos he was not the suicidal type. He's not the type to have enemies, but there are killers roaming then streets here. Maybe 20% of murders get prosecuted here. I'm tempted to do my own investigating but I'm afraid that it may make me a target. Maybe pool some $ together and hire a private investigator. If he was killed, I don't the killer to go to prison. He needs to die.

my money's on mike is a rapist

you really need to shut the fuck up now.

On Monday I went to the social services building to sign up for cash aid/ debt / welfare. I was there from 7am to 12. The building is full of weirdos and rejects and smelly homeless. I must apply for 6 jobs and register with e.d.d. which is a work source center. Then within 30 days I get 220 cash. In a couple weeks I must take a 0 3 week job prepping class. I sold my food stamps at the grocery store to pay my 62 buck rent. The rest of my stamps goes to coffee and cigarettes. Yesterday I ate two 711 burritos and played for it this morning. Og kush saved my stomach, allowed me to go hustle 20 bucks by returning stolen goods to home depot for an operation run by nice mexicans without their papers. I'm donating plasma for money today. Life is peachy keen except I had to reschedule my doc apt meaning I must withdraw from paxil which will make me sick. Hopefully won't put me into the psychotic state the last withdrawal caused.

There's no way to avoid the evil that is SSRI withdrawal. Even titrating down from 20 to 5 mg didn't seem to help. You get strange brain zap sensations. There's stomach aches and headaches and sleep disturbances. I see the doc tomorrow though and decide if I should continue the meds. I feel sort of good off them so far. Probably cos I spent a couple hundred bucks self medicating.

Last week my favorite pizza joint down the street was robbed in broad daylight for $500. I read in the downtown news that some dude was walking to the 711 by my pad to get a pack of cigs. It was about midnight. He was knocked out by an assailant he never saw and came to without credit cards or iPhone.

Ran into a few old buddies from rehab. They were dirty, homeless, and begging me for money I don't have. One of these guys said he would buy me a Ferrari once his rap career takes off. I laughed and gave him a quarter.

I just had one hell of a rough week.

Starting this past Monday, I started my General Relief Opportunities for Work class which is three weeks mon-fri. Basic easy job prep shit for morons.

My problem started when I ran out of psych meds and to battle the SSRI withdrawal, I did a bunch of chiva and cavi. Once an asshole named Kurt Cobain wrote that you have to shoot up daily for a month to get dope sick. Not at all true. I went 5 days in a row, few days off, used once, took a few days off, used once, took a few days off. Then I went 6 days in a row. Only twice did I do a single balloon issue and not feel it.
I've been very paranoid about overdose so I rarely ever did more than a single balloon dose at once. I didn't do it for a month! I counted my empty outfits at around 30ish though. Oops.

So it hits me at 3am Monday morning. Everything evacuates painfully from my ass or mouth. I get feverish and spend 3am to 7am crawling back and forth from the toilet. I've had diarrhea and thrown up plenty before bit this was the worst.

I'm guessing I must have finally gotten addicted by this point. This is confirmed when I get some dope after class and it fixes me. But for how long? 6 hours later, sick as a dog again. I made it to class after puking for shitting and hours and I figure I will do it again. I try to smoke lots of pot which barely seems to help. How many days will I suffer through this? What does it feel like? Imagine a severe stomach flu with a fever. Imagine for days straight, your bladder shuts down and every bit of food and liquid must evacuate out your ass. Drink a Gatorade; piss an entire Gatorade out your ass. And sleep, forget about it. You can get to a point where you get a half hour cat nap and wake up with a gurgling stomach telling you to run to the toilet. So all fucking week I don't sleep, and spend 3am to 7am in hell unable to sleep or not shit or not puke. Then at 7 I try to clean up and drag my ass to class.

I'm on day five and now. I could have pussied out and got a bunch of antacids, immdium ad, valiums, clonadines, etc but I let myself feel the wretched kick. Today my stomach is finally treating food as nourishment instead of poison to expel immediately. I gotta say that for having gone through this, I feel mentally, physically, and spiritually stronger. If anyone wants a born again experience call your local dealer and give yourself 30 injections of relief from this cold world, then spend days sick begging to be part of that same cold world you hid from.

Even being deathly ill I was able to make a better resume and interview better than the flunkies in my class. Much respect to functional junkies who fully live that life in fear of the kick. You got more balls than me. Or maybe I'm finally wising up. I've used all the drugs and been strung out on them all. Nothing left to learn.

SSRI withdrawals are absolutely miserable. hang in there duder

copstache wrote:

SSRI withdrawals are absolutely miserable. hang in there duder

Yeah, but a lot of people go through them without resorting to heroin and crack... Just sayin.

i lived in a barely contained suicidal haze for a month while shaking that stuff off. at that point, whatever it takes to keep you alive.

Kill yourself
Scumfucker

Fucking baby... Do it!!

copstache wrote:i lived in a barely contained suicidal haze for a month while shaking that stuff off. at that point, whatever it takes to keep you alive.

What were you on if you don't mind me asking.

\m/Johnny\m/ wrote:

copstache wrote:

SSRI withdrawals are absolutely miserable. hang in there duder

Yeah, but a lot of people go through them without resorting to heroin and crack... Just sayin.

How dare you, you judgemental son of a bitch

Comrade Slinky wrote:

copstache wrote:i lived in a barely contained suicidal haze for a month while shaking that stuff off. at that point, whatever it takes to keep you alive.

What were you on if you don't mind me asking.

uhhh that time i think it was seroquel and some flavor of antidepressant? i've been on a lot over the years

edit: effexor. that's what it was. brutal

- effexor
- celexa
- cymbalta
- lexapro
- trazadone (as a supplement to any of the above)
- lamictal
- seroquel
- wellbutrin
- paxil

those are what i remember anyway

copstache wrote:- effexor
- celexa
- cymbalta
- lexapro
- trazadone (as a supplement to any of the above)
- lamictal
- seroquel
- wellbutrin
- paxil

those are what i remember anyway

Are you sure you're not just dehydrated?

Figured I dodged a bullet, discontinued effexor years ago without any noticeable side effects.

Lexapro is cool if you never plan on having any sort of sex drive again...

Cascade Whore wrote:
Are you sure you're not just dehydrated?

Oh hell even with effexor the sex drive fucking tanked.

I was on Paxil for a couple months about 12-13 years ago for panic attacks. It didn't seem to be doing anything but keeping me from getting a boner so I quit taking it. I spent the next 2 months getting shocked in the head by The Emperor every 20-30 minutes... That fucking sucked.

the drive is reduced but fortunately i've never had ED issues. i dunno. the depression has always been a distant, distant second to the life-ruining bipolar disorder anyway. i guess there are worse alternatives than being chemically sedated 24/7 in order to live a normal, successful life

Effexor is easy... I fucked a fat chick on it... She told me she loved me over the phone and I just hung up... Never heard from her again.

I'm very sorry scumfucker, but I have no real evidence you will be alive in five.

I feel great today. I don't have shit for blood. I have an interview tomorrow at the ArcLight in Hollywood. I will likely get hired on the spot to stress the fuck out over my weed saturated hippy blood. What kind of loser fails a drug test and wut kind of bullshit job cares about weed?